


Justice

by Falathren



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mass Effect 2: Arrival, Post-Mass Effect 2: Arrival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 01:08:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7199315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falathren/pseuds/Falathren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mass Effect Big Bang 2016</p><p>After the Reaper War the survivors are building up their lives again. Shepard has been healing and can finally leave the hospital. He is trying to settle into a normal life with Kaidan at his side. But political tensions are rising. And Shepard gets charged with the murder of 301,687 batarians.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> „Terror“ by Ferdinand von Schirach is one of the most successful theatre plays in Germany at the moment. I was lucky in January, when I scored one of the two remaining tickets to see it at the Schauspielhaus Düsseldorf. It’s a fictional trial against a soldier who shot down a kidnapped civilian airplane to prevent it from crashing into a football stadium. The play raises a lot of questions and the way it is presented (with all those strong and wonderful actors) moved everyone in the audience. Then the audience votes. “Guilty” or “Not Guilty”. The outcome determines the end of the play. 
> 
> I remember I walked out feeling dizzy. There were so many things, arguments and questions, in my head. And of course, there was the obvious parallel to my favorite video game. On my way back home the idea for this fan fiction formed in my head. And although I cannot raise the same questions and conflicts “Terror” did with my FF, I am very happy to have written this. 
> 
> I cannot thank [Ruby](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/) enough for her wonderful illustrations. Thank you so much for your work!
> 
> And I cannot thank my wonderful Beta [Agrivex](http://archiveofourown.org/users/agrivex) enough. How she keeps her patience while I butcher the English language is beyond me. Thank you!
> 
> And of course a big THANK you to [Azzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling) for organizing the Big Bang and bringing us all together for this wonderful Fan party.

 

 

[Songlist by Ruby](http://8tracks.com/4br4/mebb-2016-justice)

_1\. The Truth - Audiomachine_  
_2\. Grey Weather - Gregory and the Hawk_  
_3\. I Found (Acoustic) - Amber Run_  
_4\. To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens_  
_5\. The One I Love - David Gray_  
_6\. Home - Phillip Phillips_  
_7\. Best Day of My Life (Acoustic)_  
_8\. A Century is All We Need - Gregory and the Hawk_

* * *

 

_Written for the Mass Effect Big Bang 2016_

_Art by[Ruby](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/)_

_Beta[Agrivex ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/agrivex/pseuds/agrivex)_

* * *

 

Everything had changed so quickly. The world had recovered from the shock of the Reaper War and had found new energy. Kaidan watched with amazement as a large truck pulled past him. The infrastructure in Vancouver had been rebuilt with a determination that seemed to say, “We survived and we will live now.”

It was hard to believe that it had only been six months.

Kaidan walked to the corner and stopped at a traffic light, letting more cars and trucks pass in front of him. He looked towards the big Alliance building. A few months before it had been a pile of stone and rubble. The size was impressive. It was the biggest building in rebuilt Vancouver. Beside it, Kaidan spotted cranes that promised the whole complex would grow even larger.

The traffic light switched to green. Kaidan sprinted down the street towards the building. He made his way through the courtyard where various paths directed people to different complexes of the building. The space looked friendly and natural. But the half-grown hedges and trees had only been planted recently. Birds had yet to find their way here.

Kaidan passed two privates who stopped to salute. He was wearing civilian clothing, but he was still Major Alenko, the hero who’d played a vital role in stopping the Reapers. A quick nod acknowledged the salute. Kaidan didn’t slow down. They whispered something behind him. It didn’t matter.

He hurried up a set of stairs and entered the Alliance Military Hospital through two glass doors that reflected the sunlight. It was a mild September morning. Not long and cold fall weather would settle in.

The inside of the building was buzzing with activity. People sat in the waiting area and chatted. Nurses and doctors walked busily through. Every few seconds a name was called. The Alliance Military Hospital was one of the best equipped hospitals on the whole planet. Patients were coming in from everywhere.

Kaidan didn’t stop at the reception desk. A curt nod towards the nurse behind the desk and he was through another set of doors. He stopped in front of the elevator and pushed himself inside when it opened. It was crammed. Someone behind him pressed their elbow into Kaidan’s back and quickly apologized. Glancing behind he saw it was an asari hugging an IV stand. Kaidan stepped to his left to give her more room.

With each floor the elevator cleared more and more. The asari left two floors before him. She shot him a half-smile as she pushed the IV stand in front of her. Kaidan was alone when he reached floor 14. It was quiet, a stark contrast to the noise in the entrance. On one side, big windows filtered the sunlight and made the floor look less like a hospital. Doors led to different rooms on the opposite side.

Kaidan passed the first three doors. A nurse was sorting through medical supplies next to one door and greeted him with a professional smile. Kaidan smiled back and knocked on the door leading to room 1404. He didn’t wait for a reply form the other side and entered the bright and spacious room.

To his surprise, two voices greeted him.

“There he is. Hey, Kaidan!” Shepard was sitting on the bed on the right side of the room. A chair had been pulled up next to the bed. A familiar figure was seated on it.

“Hi there, Kaidan,” Joker greeted him.

Kaidan walked over and leaned down to greet Shepard with a kiss. He went to the table at the other side of the room, dropped his jacket on one chair and pulled another next to Joker’s.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you here, too, Joker,” he said lightly as he sat down.

“Yeah, I had another appointment with Doc Horrible and thought I’d drop by.”

“Does he know you call him that?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

“Yup. That’s why he makes sure every injection hurts as much as possible. Never thought I would miss Chakwas.”

“She’s earned her break, though,” Shepard said softly. “And if I know her, she’ll be back on duty in a few weeks anyway.”

“I sure hope so. I desperately need someone to make the right signatures on the right papers. Don’t want to stay grounded forever,” Joker replied.

Joker’s statement was met with silence from Kaidan and Shepard. Neither knew what to say. The probability of Joker being assigned to another ship was low to say the least. They all knew it, but it didn’t mean that Joker would accept it. He showed no obvious signs, but a few doctors had hinted at some form of PTSD. Joker denied and tried to laugh it off with bad humor. But it wasn’t only Kaidan and Shepard who were worried. Kaidan knew that all of their former crew were trying to keep their eye on Joker. Much to Joker’s annoyance.

“What a cheerful visit this turned out to be.”  Joker always had a knack for breaking the silence in the worst way.

“Well, I could try some positive news for a change,” Shepard replied.

Kaidan looked up hopefully.

“They say I can finally leave this hellhole at the end of the week.” Shepard smiled. “I still get the pleasure of extensive treatment, but I can spend my free time at, well, home, I guess.” His smile faltered a bit.

They hadn’t talked about what home was now. Or moving in together. Shepard had spent the past six months in a hospital bed. While more and more friends and colleagues had moved from shelters to their own apartments and houses, he had been confined to various, sterile hospital rooms. Shepard has been transferred from the London hospital to Vancouver two months ago. Kaidan had followed and moved into a small one-room apartment, which he only used to sleep in.

Kaidan’s hand reached out for Shepard’s. “That is the best news I’ve heard in a long time.” He had to suppress the urge to pull him into his arms. Later.

Joker agreed by clapping his hands twice. “Now you two just need a decent place to live.”

Kaidan held Shepard’s gaze, smiling brightly. “Yeah. I might just have an idea.” 

* * *

 

The next days were stressful. Finding a suitable space for two people close enough to the hospital was hard enough.  But it also had to be suitable for Shepard whose hip and spine were far from being healed. Although he could walk without crutches most of the time, he needed enough room to move around.

Kaidan had no idea how they pulled it off. But on Friday morning he found himself standing in front of a small bungalow-style house in South Vancouver. The neighborhood of Kitsilang was almost fully repaired by now. A lot of new houses had sprouted out of the ground there. Kaidan liked the ring of the name. “Yeah, we’re moving to Kits.” It sounded peaceful and happy.  

Shepard stood next to him and took in the view. Kaidan had dreamed about this moment for a long time. It had seemed out of reach. But they were finally there.

“Do you like it?” he asked hesitantly.

Shepard smiled and made his way towards the door. His walk was unsure, like he expected his legs to give out under him at any time. Kaidan followed slowly.

The door was unlocked. There was commotion behind it. Shepard stopped and looked at Kaidan confused.

“Well, we aren’t finished with everything yet.” Kaidan shrugged. “I told them to go home. But apparently no one was listening.”

Shepard pushed the door open.

James was carrying a small shelf through the hall, his back to them. Shepard steadied himself against the doorframe and watched silently. Voices echoed through the hallway as James disappeared around a corner.

The hallway was crammed with cartons and furniture that had yet to be placed. Kaidan sighed. There was much work to be done. But for now he was content to be at home with Shepard.  He walked up behind him and embraced Shepard, placing his chin on Shepard’s shoulder.

“Do you want to go in?” Kaidan asked.

“Just a minute,” Shepard replied, his voice almost a whisper. “I want to really take this moment in.”

Kaidan kissed Shepard’s cheek. A thump of something heavy hitting the floor, accompanied by a loud shout of pain, came from the direction James had been heading. Laughter followed. James cursed and the laughter increased.

“Maybe we should go in, before they kill themselves.” Kaidan nudged Shepard gently forward.

The latter sighed and nodded. “Sometimes it’s hard to believe that we fought Reapers together.”

Kaidan grinned and let go of Shepard. He stepped into their new home, Shepard now following gingerly behind him.

The hallway was spacious, but with the stuff lying around, walking though was a small challenge. Shepard used Kaidan’s shoulder to steady himself, as he passed a narrow space between two large boxes. They would have to clear this up quickly.

As they picked their way toward the cheerful voices and laughter, Kaidan noted that the bathroom at least was finished. No boxes cluttered the floor stood around. The shelves were fully stocked with towels and soaps. The bedroom on the opposite side would need more work. But the bed was standing.

They turned a corner and entered the big living room. Kaidan held his breath for a second, not sure what type of chaos he would encounter here.

To his relief it was only a Category 3 disaster. The ground was littered with boxes and papers from unwrapped furniture. Empty cans of beer and soft drinks were piled next to food cartons on the table.  James was sitting on a chair, holding his foot with an angry frown. At the other end of the room, Samantha and Joker were sitting on a freshly delivered couch, drinking beer.   

Steve was the first to notice the new arrivals. He entered from the kitchen carrying an ice pack, and stopped when he saw Kaidan and Shepard. He waved. “Welcome home, Shepard.” Cheers rang from the others.

Shepard hesitated, obviously unsure of what to say or do. But a smile formed on his lips and he walked towards his friends with unsteady steps, accepting their hugs and well wishes.

* * *

 

A few days later, they had settled in. Most boxes had disappeared from the hallway and Kaidan was starting to feel at home. Shepard seemed to feel the same way. He moved with more confidence than he had in the hospital.

This morning Shepard was at the hospital. Kaidan wished he was there with him, but the aura that preceded one of his migraines had pushed him to ask Steve to help instead.

He sat alone at the kitchen counter, sipping coffee halfheartedly. He tried to watch the news broadcasted on the big wall screen. But the picture kept blurring. He focused on the black liquid in front him and listened to the voice of the news anchors.

They spoke about the plans for new colonies and settlements. Kaidan snorted into his mug. Half of Earth was still in ruins, yet they were already trying to claim back their lost colonies. Most of the mass relays had been repaired. There was no reason to wait any longer, the politicians argued.

Kaidan knew they were under pressure. Most civilians were unsatisfied. Large parts of Africa and South America were still not rebuilt, leaving a vast amount of people homeless. The inaction had sparked a protests. Radical groups were crying to be heard, their numbers growing each day. Before the war, xenophobic attitudes against non-humans were common, given the short time that had elapsed since the First Contact War. In the first months following the Reaper War under the heavy impression of united victory, it had seemed xenophobia was a relic of the past. But the mood changed.

There was more to it. One thing Kaidan had come to understand was that the plan for a quick reclamation of lost colonies was a race among the species. The batarians had proven to be especially aggressive, claiming former settlements of turians and humans alike. Kaidan didn’t know where they had gathered the resources so quickly. Relationships between batarian and turians were already tense. Human representatives hadn’t commented on their lost territory so far, as they were probably too overwhelmed by the sudden force of the batarians.  

Luckily Canada seemed far from those troubles. Here most people had a home and a job. Vancouver remained the center of human politics, but those storms passed both Kaidan and Shepard, with Shepard focused on healing. If he got better, Kaidan planned to take up a position as a biotic instructor, helping young biotics understand their talents and making sure that something like Jump Zero never happened again. He hadn’t discussed it with Shepard yet. He hoped the latter would find a similar position instead of a spot that would put him in combat again. Shepard could be stubborn.

Kaidan sighed and put the empty cup into the dishwater. He should get some rest. Maybe it would ease the throbbing pain in his head. He wandered over to the couch and, kicking off his shoes, let himself fall onto it. He wrapped an arm over his eyes and was quickly asleep.

* * *

 

He awoke to the front door opening. It was late into the afternoon, the sunlight almost gone. Surprised at having slept so long, Kaidan sat up to see Shepard coming into the living room. He wore a smug grin on his face. Kaidan frowned.

“What’s up? And where is Steve?” he asked, dreading whatever crazy idea Shepard had likely come up with.

“Ah, I sent him home.” Shepard walked over and sat down next to Kaidan, saying nothing more.

“How did go?” Kaidan said into the silence, feeling his patience running thin. He knew that grin all too well. Usually it meant Shepard was planning to ride a thresher maw or have a chat with a Reaper.

“At the hospital you mean?”

Kaidan let out an annoyed huff. “Yes, of course. Or did you have another appointment?”

“The hospital was ok. I mean, I’m doing better and better. Docs pass me around like I am their prized piece of art. But I guess they have every reason to be pleased with themselves.” Shepard laughed and leaned back on the couch. He hadn’t taken off his jacket and shoes.

“You’re pretty late though.” Kaidan pointed at the time on their wall screen.

“Yeah, I did talk Steve into driving me somewhere else.” Shepard searched around in his pocket. His hand stilled when it found what he was looking for, then remained in his jacket, grabbing something Kaidan couldn’t see.

“Listen,” Shepard took a deep breath and suddenly seemed nervous. His grin was gone, replaced by a deep frown. “I wanted to wait with this. Not do this like… like this.” He looked down at his street clothes. “But I don’t want to wait. With our luck and all, another alien superspecies will invade Earth before I get the chance to.”

Kaidan started to say something, but Shepard interrupted him, holding up his other hand.

“No, hear me out, please. This is actually more difficult than I had anticipated.” He took another deep breath. “I love you, Kaidan. And I want to marry you. If you’ll have me, of course. I bought this today.” He produced a small black box from his jacket and handed it to stunned and speechless Kaidan.  

Shepard’s hands were shaking. Kaidan wanted to grab them, but he couldn’t open the little box if he did. Dazed, he peeled his eyes from Shepard and opened it. Inside sat a slim silvery ring. There were no stones on it, but it reflected the light in odd way. On second glance, Kaidan saw it was composed of various, interwoven metals. It was beautiful.

Kaidan’s head was spinning. He looked up to see Shepard smiling nervously, fingers fidgeting. Nodding was all Kaidan could do. He wanted to take the ring out of the box, but didn’t trust his hands to do it. Instead he pulled Shepard into his arms in one swift motion, pressing him close. Shepard exhaled and relaxed in Kaidan’s embrace.

Kaidan found his voice again. “That was the lousiest proposal in human history.”

“I know.” Shepard laughed. “But at least I took you by surprise.” He peeled himself out of the embrace and took the box from Kaidan. With shaking hands he put the ring on Kaidan’s finger. It fit perfectly.

* * *

 

“So have you set a date?” Samantha leaned over the game of chess placed on the kitchen counter. Her broad grin announced she would win the match within a few more moves.

“Not yet.” Shepard scratched his head. He tried to figure out his next move. “I think we’ll go for a spring wedding. Winter is so dark and wet.” He moved his knight towards the middle of the board, trying to dodge Samantha’s bishop.

“That’s a bit far off, don’t you think?”

Shepard hadn’t seen Samantha’s rook on the side of the board. It had a straight path to kill his queen. He cursed under his breath and leaned back.

“Let’s call it a draw, ok?”

“No way!” Samantha laughed. She wiped Shepard’s queen with a dramatic move from the field. “Also, checkmate.”

Shepard shook his head. At least he had saved his knight.

“I don’t know why I keep doing this with you, Sam.”

“Because you enjoy getting your ass handed to you once in a while? And also I am a very charming and nice person.” Samantha put the little wooden figures in a small box. She handled them carefully. A chess set that wasn’t just holographic was worth a fortune. She sighed when her task was complete and looked up at Shepard again. “But seriously, why not just go for it right away?”

“Because I want to be able to walk down the aisle by myself without looking like a drunk.” Shepard raised a cup of coffee to his lips. “Plus it is fun to be engaged.”

The door opened and Kaidan came in, still in his warm winter coat. He greeted his betrothed, then started to rid himself of the coat and shoes.

“So, what was this fuss all about?” Shepard called after him.

“I haven’t got slightest idea.” Kaidan entered the kitchen with red cheeks, still a bit out of breath. “Hackett wants me to file some old reports again. Mostly about Horizon. He asked for more details about several missions and granted me the honor of looking through every report until the end of the war to confirm that the information is correct.” Kaidan sighed, exhausted, and slipped onto the seat next to Shepard.

“That is pretty weird,” Samantha said.

“Yeah, and he wouldn’t even let me know why he needed them in the first place. Only that I have until the end of the next week to hand in all the files.”

Shepard let out an annoyed huff. “That is a lot of work. And I mean a lot of work.”

Kaidan shrugged. “He seemed to be pretty on the edge, too. Wouldn’t answer any of my questions, just said it was not my place to question him. Weirdest encounter I’ve ever had with him.”

“Well, maybe they just want to give us some work. Not just pay us for sitting around all day.” Shepard put an arm around Kaidan’s shoulders.

They spent the rest of the evening with another game of chess. This time Samantha wiped Kaidan from the field. When she left in the early evening hours, Shepard had all but forgotten the strange feeling he’d had when Kaidan had told him about Hackett’s request.

Shepard went to sleep early. His meds made him tired. He didn’t notice Kaidan searching through the old reports in the living room with a visible frown.

* * *

 

Two weeks later, the bad feeling returned. An envoy of batarians had arrived for negotiations concerning the habitable planets at the edge on the Terminus Systems. The relays leading there had been repaired. Humans and batarians had both claimed the territories, and few days earlier a batarian cruiser had opened fire on an Alliance transporter. The situation was heating up. The Alliance and two asari ambassadors tried to calm the aggression by calling in a peace council that was to settle the claims of both sides once and for all.

Shepard had been called in to meet Hackett on the same day the batarian envoy arrived. Hackett’s timing surely wasn’t a coincidence. Kaidan had offered to take him over, but Shepard had refused. He wanted to walk and clear his head in the crisp autumn air.

And he didn’t want Kaidan to notice he was worried.

When he arrived at the Alliance HQ, he was panting. His hip was hurting, forcing him to hobble the last few meters to Hackett’s office.

When he entered the office, Hackett was standing behind his desk, handing a cup of coffee to another man who was sitting, legs spread wide, on one of the chairs. Shepard didn’t recognize him. He was about fifty years old and wore an expensive suit, which was ill fitting and creased as if the wearer had used it as a pajama. His attitude towards Hackett seemed casual and the small smile around his lips told the world that he wasn’t taking anything seriously.

Hackett acknowledged Shepard’s arrival with a curd nod and motioned him to the other free chair in front of his desk. The other man yawned and didn’t stand nor extended his greetings.

Shepard sat down hesitantly, trying to find a position that would relieve the pain from his hip. He glanced sideways at the strange man, trying to figure out who he was and why he was here.

“Well, thank you for coming in on such a short notice.” Hackett’s voice interrupted Shepard’s thoughts.  

“What’s going on?” The awkward sense that something wasn’t right had multiplied in the last two minutes.

Hackett ignored him.

“Would you like some coffee as well?”

Shepard frowned and shook his head. The strange man took a long sip from his cup.

“Well now.” Hackett sat down and clasped his hands in front of himself on the desk. He seemed calm and oblivious to Shepard’s confusion. “As you know we are in a very difficult situation with the batarians. Something we hadn’t anticipated. They are making threats and have handed over a list of their demands.”

Hackett paused.

“So?” Shepard’s patience was running out. The man next to him didn’t seem bothered.

“One of their demands is that you, Commander, be put on trial for destroying the Alpha Relay. An act which rendered the system uninhabitable. Only then are they willing to negotiate on the habitable planets in the Terminus Systems. They claim that the destruction of the Alpha Relay was nothing short of an attempt at genocide.”

Shepard wanted to ask them if they were serious, but Hackett continued with a matter-of-fact voice.

“We are, of course, denying these accusations. But the batarian voices are growing louder. Others are joining in as well, questioning the occurrences in the Bahak system, especially since it’s remained inaccessible until now. The pressure on the Alliance, and with it on all of humanity, is simply too high. The committee has therefore agreed to admit the charges brought against you by the batarians and handed the case over to the Council. A decision that wasn’t easy, but we have to keep human interests in mind. Besides, the outcome of that trial is open.

“This man here,” Hackett motioned to the stranger, “is Dr. Henry Darrell. He’s a lawyer. One of the best currently out there and an expert in Council law and procedures. He’ll be appointed as your defense attorney.

“You’ll be charged with the destruction of the Alpha Relay, an act of terrorism, and thereby the murder of the 300,000 inhabitants of the Bahak system. The charges will be made official on Friday in a press conference here at Alliance HQ. In one week there will be an official hearing with representatives of the preliminary Council, the Alliance and the batarian ambassadors.  The Council will then determine whether they accept the charges or not. It is certain they will. Following this, the Council will appoint four judges who will then appoint a large jury of 250 people of all races and backgrounds. Your attorney as well as the prosecutors can, of course, object to jury members. The judges will determine whether or not those objections will be heard.  After all of this is set, we estimate the trial to start in roughly twelve weeks. We cannot estimate how long it will go on. In the end, the jury will decide whether you are guilty. Should they find you guilty, the judges will determine a sentence. This will not be an easy task, as this is an unprecedented case.

“I’d advise you to confer with your attorney right away and discuss a strategy. You should avoid all unnecessary attention and especially not react to any media inquiries. Dr. Darrell here will ensure you are represented in the best way possible. Given the charges, it is not an easy task. But he has our complete trust.

“You will remain in Alliance service for the duration of the trial. After the trial, we will decide if you will be discharged or not.

“I believe that you need some time to adjust to this situation. Dr. Darrell will be here to answer any questions.”

Shepard looked from Hackett over to Darrell. The man’s expression had become more serious, but the outline of a smile was still visible on his face. Shepard’s head was spinning. His mouth was dry and he wasn’t able to say anything.

Darrell pulled a large collection of papers from his bag. “Well then, I think we should get to work right away.”

* * *

 

Three hours later, Shepard was standing in front of the Alliance HQ feeling completely drained. Darrell had hardly given him enough time to sort his thoughts. He had started to question Shepard about every detail from him joining the Alliance up until today. To Shepard’s great irritation, he was using actual pen and paper to make notes, his handwriting seemed like secret code. At first, Shepard had wondered if this was all a joke. But despite his casual and unusual methods, Darrell was serious.

Shepard felt like a stranger standing in front of the big, shining building. He carefully walked down the stairs, holding tightly to the cold metal railing. He wouldn’t be able to get home alone. Slowly he made his way to a bench and almost fell onto it. He wrote a message to Kaidan, asking him to come and pick him up.

Kaidan arrived a few minutes later. He sat down next to Shepard and pulled him close. They sat like this, while Shepard tried to sort his mind and say something, anything to Kaidan. But he couldn’t form any words.

It was Kaidan who broke the silence. “You look like a ghost. Let’s get you home. And then you tell me everything that happened.”

Shepard nodded and let himself be pulled from the bench. He leaned on Kaidan as they made their way to the parking lot.

They were silent during the ride home. When they stopped at a traffic light, Kaidan reached out and squeezed Shepard’s hands. Shepard hadn’t noticed they were shaking.

* * *

 

The long restless night was followed by an early morning sitting over cups of coffee in the kitchen. They were both equally tired, but while Kaidan was angry, Shepard seemed calm and resigned. Kaidan was afraid that Shepard had no more strength left and given up.

The coffee in their cups was cooling. Neither had drunk a drop. Yet the smell of it was reassuring. A bit of calmness among the storm.

Late in the night, Kaidan had tried to contact Liara, who had been busy setting up a new information network. He hoped she would be able to give them some information. But she wasn’t on Earth and communication was slow. Kaidan was sure she would do anything to help them. But waiting for her reply was a cruel task when he felt that their time was running out.

Shepard seemed to be dozing. His eyes were closed and he had stopped stirring his coffee. When the doorbell rang, he looked up startled.

Kaidan slowly walked over to open the door. He easily identified he strange man in front of the door as Darrell, the attorney. Shepard’s description of him matched perfectly.

He looked confused at Kaidan. “Ah, sorry and good morning. I’m here to see Commander Shepard.”

“He’s in the kitchen.” Kaidan moved to the side to let him in.

Darrell entered and stopped in the hallway.

“Through the hall and to the right,” Kaidan said.

Darrell smiled and walked in without taking off his coat.

Kaidan disliked him, although he knew that antagonizing the person responsible for Shepard’s defense was a bad idea. He followed and offered to make more coffee as the attorney spread out a large collection of papers.

Shepard looked at him wearily.

“So now, this is much better. I think we can talk more openly here.” Darrell crooked his head and looked at Kaidan, who was about to sit down at the kitchen counter. “I’m sorry, are you an acquaintance?”

Kaidan stopped in his motion. “Fiancé, actually.” It came out sharper than he intended, but drew a small smile from Shepard.

“Oh, you two are engaged?” Darrell looked confused and searched through his papers. When he didn’t find what he was looking for, he drew out an empty sheet of paper and wrote on it. “I am sorry. This information wasn’t given to me. I was under the impression our dear Commander here was living alone in a gloomy shed at the edge of town.” He laughed. “Oh no, but this is quite useful actually. Here, sign this please, both of you.” He handed over a sheet of paper to Shepard. The latter frowned deeply.

“What is this?” Kaidan asked.

“Ah, just a general confidential and representation juristic blah blah sheet. When you both sign it, it means that Shepard here agrees to share information with you present and so on.”

“Or it says we are about to buy a luxury apartment on Mars for forty million credits.” Shepard signed and handed the paper over the Kaidan. The writing was unreadable.

“Yeah, maybe it also says that. It could cover my bills for quite some time.” Darrell winked. “If you were already spouses, we wouldn’t need this, but an engagement, no matter how romantic the proposal was, doesn’t cover my ass at court.”

Shepard laughed. _Lousiest proposal in human history._ Kaidan couldn’t suppress his grin. He signed the paper and handed it back to Darrell, who glanced at it.

“Ah, so you’re Major Alenko?”

Kaidan nodded.

“Ok, good.” Darrell scribbled something else on a paper and leafed through some pages until he found what he was looking for. He made a small mark. “So then. Now that this is settled, I guess we can start anew.” His face had become only slightly more serious. “Generally this is all a big pile of bullshit.” Kaidan and Shepard both looked up surprised, but the other man continued on. “The Alliance’s actions are nothing more than a desperate attempt to keep the batarians at bay. Nonetheless it is quite serious. And from what I gathered from the reports that were handed to me, you, Commander, aren’t the most popular face. Concerning the accusations brought against you, it is undeniable that your actions led to the destruction of the Alpha Relay, causing a death toll of 300,000 civilians.”

Shepard flinched.

“However, there are many factors here that give us a fair chance.” Darrell smiled again. “First of all, there will be a jury of 250 people. If we are lucky most of them will think you the savior of the galaxy. Secondly, everyone knows the batarians are assholes. Thirdly, the case they are making is unprecedented. A lot of the procedures have yet to be approved by the Council and a lot of stuff will be made up as we go long. And here we have a good chance. The whole trial can swing either way. The Alliance is aware of it. They don’t want to throw you down the pit, but if it means they have the batarians off their ass, they will do it. On the other hand, if the jury should find you not guilty, there are no more claims the batarians can make. For the Alliance, it looks like they can only win. You, on the other hand, have a quite a lot to lose. I cannot promise you that we’ll win. But I promise you that I’ll try my best to get you out of this mess.

“Now then, let’s go over some more things.” With that, Darrell took up another empty sheet of paper and his pen.

The next hours were a strenuous question and answer session. Darrell wanted to know about everything since Shepard had enlisted in no particular order. From their mission on Noveria to what occurred on Thessia, back to Ferros and Horizon. Kaidan filled the coffee cups several times. He was tired and lost track of the questions.

Darrell didn’t address him, instead directing every question at Shepard. Kaidan noticed how tense Shepard was, often struggling for words or chewing on his lip. He hoped Darrell would give him break soon. He wanted to reach out and put a reassuring hand on Shepard. But he wasn’t sure Darrell would appreciate this sentimental interruption of his session.

A shift in the mood made Kaidan focus again on the ongoing talk between Shepard and Darrell.

“It’s a very inconvenient thing for the Alliance,” Darrell was saying. “They declared you KIA and everything was good. But two years later you suddenly resurfaced. You have never been officially discharged. You see, there is a difference between being killed while in service and being discharged. A very thin line, a couple of words in the legal text, allowing someone who has been declared KIA by mistake to resume their service and receive payment and so on and so on. This is all under the assumption that the person wasn’t actually killed, but had just gone missing during a chaotic fight or whatever. However, with the reports from Cerberus here, you were actually dead. Nothing more than a vacuum-dried corpse. Technically, you never left the service. When the Alpha Relay blew up, it was by an Alliance solider who cooperated with Cerberus. Quite inconvenient and also…”

Shepard interrupted Darrell with a wave of his hand. “Yeah, I get your point. I get it.” He took a deep breath, fighting to keep calm. “Please excuse me a second. I need a break.”

He stood up and walked out of kitchen.

Kaidan set to follow, but Darrell stopped him with a firm grip on Kaidan’s arm. “Just a second please, Major.”

Darrell motioned to the chair and Kaidan sat down again, startled.

“Please allow me to ask, how long have you two been in a relationship?” Darrell readied another empty sheet of paper in front of him.

“What? Why?” Kaidan frowned.

“Your relationship with the Commander. How long?” Darrell’s face was serious.

“About, well, shortly after the Cerberus attack on the Citadel, I think.”

Darrell nodded and made a note. “And your engagement?”

“He asked me two weeks ago.” Kaidan’s thumb played with the ring.

“Alright.” Darrell noted it down. “And how long would you say did you have feelings for the Commander? And he for you?”

“What do you mean?” Confused, Kaidan looked at the attorney.

“I mean that you should be aware of the shitstorm that is going to rain down on the Commander starting with the press conference tomorrow. They will try to throw as much dirt as possible in his general direction. And I need to know about it in advance to counter it.” Darrell held up a report titled Virmire. “This reports states that the Commander came back for you, while leaving Gunnery Chief Williams behind. You don’t need much imagination to come up with a tale of the Commander letting his emotions make the decision and thereby creating a valid argument to challenge every decision he’s ever made.”

Kaidan nodded, understanding. “I am really not sure when I started to have feelings for him.” Kaidan swallowed. “But I think I noticed a change during our mission on Mars maybe? I know that I started to consider it while I was hospitalized on the Citadel.”

“I see. And do you think it was the same for the Commander?”

“I am not sure.” Kaidan shrugged. “I think he truly started to consider it after the Cerberus attack on the Citadel.”

“Ok, thank you.” Darrell kept writing.

“Do you…” Kaidan hesitated. “Do you really think we have a chance? Or were you just trying to calm him?”

“Of course.” Darrell looked up from his notes. “A very good one even. You see, there will be a jury made of people. Actual people who are all happy that they survived the war. They want to rebuild and they want to live. They have no interest to lock up your fiancé. They have all experienced the terror of the Reapers. They know that without the Commander and his early warnings they wouldn’t have stood a chance. We just need to make sure that no one convinces them otherwise.” He winked and made a dismissive gesture with his other hand. “Now go after him please.”

Kaidan didn’t need to be told twice. He darted out of the kitchen, leaving Darrell alone with his heap of papers.

He found Shepard in the bathroom. His face was wet and he was staring into the mirror above the sink. Kaidan grabbed a towel and handed it to Shepard.

“Sorry.” Shepard said into the mirror.

“No need.” Kaidan walked up close and rested his chin on Shepard’s shoulder. The collar of Shepard’s shirt was wet as well.

“No I mean…” Shepard’s hands gripped the sink hand.

“I know what you mean.” Kaidan put his hand over Shepard’s, gently trying to ease the tension. “And there is no need. It is not your fault. You hear me? It is not.”

“Thank you.” Shepard sighed heavily and leaned back against Kaidan.

“Darrell thinks we have a very good chance. He seems to be a good guy.”

“You think so?”

“Yes, despite his unusual methods.”  Kaidan let go of Shepard and went through the door. “Come on, let’s see this through.”

Shepard nodded and followed Kaidan back to kitchen, every step heavy on the wooden floor.

* * *

 

Darrell left in the early evening hours. Kaidan was glad to see him out of the door. But at the same time, a strange silence settled into their home. Shepard remained in the kitchen, stone-faced. Kaidan wanted to talk to him, but he had never felt more at a loss for words. The uncertainty of what was to come ate away at him.

He moved through the kitchen quietly and put the dishes away.

“Do you want dinner?” Shepard asked into the silence.

Kaidan shrugged. He wasn’t hungry.

“I think we should have dinner.” Shepard said. “We could just order some.”

Kaidan walked over and put his arm around Shepard’s shoulders. He thought he noticed a slight tremble in Shepard. Before he could think of anything to say, Shepard cut him short.

“I’m sorry, Kaidan.” His voice was a mere whisper.

“No. Don’t say that, no.” Kaidan squeezed his shoulders. “It is not your fault.”

“I thought we could…” Shepard’s voice broke.

“Yeah. Me too, John.”

A normal life. Peace. That’s what they both wanted for each other. And it had started off so well. Shepard had recovered faster than any doctor had anticipated. They had gone through hell together. They had made mistakes, Kaidan above all by not believing Shepard back on Horizon. But they had overcome it. Yet, here they were. Both of them feeling guilty for what was happening, not knowing what to say to each other.

Shepard moved from his chair. “We should make some calls and write some messages. I don’t want any of our friends to hear of this through the news or by a being ambushed by reporters.”

* * *

 

An hour later, Shepard was still in a call with Garrus when a knock on their door startled them both. Kaidan shrugged and waved to Shepard to go on with his call. He hoped it wasn’t Darrell again.

When he opened the door, he found someone else standing there.

“Hey, sorry, I should have called,” Joker said. “But I brought dinner.” He held up a plastic bag and smiled helplessly.

Kaidan smiled and moved to the side to let Joker in. He wondered why Joker had come over without notice. But he wasn’t going to ask. He had a feeling Joker just wanted to make sure they were ok.

Shepard seemed just as surprised to see Joker. He ended his call, promising Garrus to call back.

Together they had dinner. The Chinese food Joker had brought was already cold, but no one seemed to mind. Kaidan hadn’t noticed how hungry he was.

After dinner they sat together in the living room. They didn’t talk about upcoming events. Joker seemed to avoid the topic as much as Kaidan and Shepard did.

The trivial chitchat eased the mood. Shepard was smiling.

Kaidan’s omni-tool blinked with a new message. He read it, eyeing Joker. He quickly typed a reply and sighed.

“Joker,” Kaidan said. “James and Steve are looking for you. Looks like you have them pretty worried.” 

“I just went to see you. Jesus, do I need to report everything?” Joker rolled his eyes and leaned back.

“No. But just leave them a small note,” Kaidan suggested carefully.

“How did you even sneak past them?” Shepard smirked. Joker was sharing an apartment with James and Steve. It wasn’t ideal, but James was already scheduled to lead a mission to Horizion in due time. And whether Joker admitted it or not, he did need help.

“I didn’t sneak past them.” Joker grimaced. “I just went out the door. I wasn’t quiet about it. Even dropped my coat two times. Maybe mommy and daddy should hire better babysitters.” He shot Kaidan an annoyed glare.

“I don’t think we would be able to pay them enough to keep up with you.” Shepard winked.

“James says you’re due to bring in breakfast when you come back.” Kaidan shrugged and put his omni-tool aside. “Anyway, how about we watch a movie?”

It was almost midnight. Kaidan didn’t expect them to sleep anytime soon.

* * *

 

In the early morning hours Joker left. Although they offered to drive him over, he insisted on walking. His stubbornness easily matched Shepard’s. They stood in the hallway, watching Joker leave. He had been a welcome distraction.

“Should we try and get some sleep?” Shepard asked.

Kaidan nodded and followed Shepard. Silently they undressed. Kaidan hoped they would be able to find some sleep. Sighing he picked up their clothes and threw them on the pile of laundry.

Shepard was already in bed and eyed him. He proceeded to answer another message on his omni-tool.

“Looks like I missed the appointment my physiotherapist today. She’s asking if everything is alright.” Shepard shrugged. “I’m cancelling the next appointment and telling her to watch the news tomorrow, if she wants to know.”

Kaidan bit his lip and climbed under the blanket.

“Hey, come on.” Shepard nudged Kaidan with his elbow. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Sitting there and looking like that, not saying anything.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just that… I don’t know what to say.” Kaidan looked helplessly at Shepard, whose face had an unsettling, haunted look.

“There is nothing you need say.” Shepard moved closer and rested his head close to Kaidan, his breath warm against Kaidan’s neck. “It is what it is. Just let’s not fight over this, ok? We just have to go on. See and wait. We can’t do anything else.”

Kaidan swallowed hard. He turned onto his side and wrapped himself around Shepard. He was tired. Although the sun was slowly rising, illuminating their bedroom, Kaidan said good night and was quickly asleep.

* * *

 

Darrell switched to the newsfeed with dread. Rumors had made it to the press and two reporters were avidly discussing what they suspected would happen when the press conference started.

Darrell wanted to know. He needed to get a feeling for the events, hoping to get a better grasp of the public opinion.

When an older woman in Alliance uniform entered the room, followed by the asari and turian ambassadors, Darrell bit his lip and leaned forward in concentration.

The statement was short, no questions answered. The assembled press audience held their breath and then, as the officials were leaving, started to talk into their cameras, repeating what they just heard and trying to be louder than the person next to them.

Darrell made notes. He noted the way the Alliance woman’s lips had twitched in dismay, the sigh from the asari ambassador, and the two seconds of speechlessness in the audience.

The reporters talked of an unexpected turn of events. Wasn’t Shepard supposed to be their war hero? One was already pointing out Shepard’s past with Cerberus. No one mentioned the batarians. No one made the connection to the political consequences. Or maybe no one was willing to admit them. Yet.

Darrell leaned back and rubbed his temples. It wouldn’t be as easy as he had hoped. There was a lot of work to do.


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Songlist by Ruby](http://8tracks.com/4br4/mebb-2016-justice)
> 
> _1\. The Truth - Audiomachine_  
>  _2\. Grey Weather - Gregory and the Hawk_  
>  _3\. I Found (Acoustic) - Amber Run_  
>  _4\. To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens_  
>  _5\. The One I Love - David Gray_  
>  _6\. Home - Phillip Phillips_  
>  _7\. Best Day of My Life (Acoustic)_  
>  _8\. A Century is All We Need - Gregory and the Hawk_

 

“So, do I look like a war criminal yet?” Shepard closed the jacket of his dress blues, looking at himself in the mirror.

“No, you look good.” Kaidan sighed and stood behind Shepard.

It was the day of the first hearing in court. It wasn’t a public hearing. It would be the four judges, the prosecutor, and Shepard with Darrell. Shepard was nervous. Kaidan could tell from the way he clenched his jaw. He was uneasy, too. The past two weeks had been so quiet that Kaidan had almost convinced himself nothing had happened. Darrell had dropped by occasionally, asked more questions, and disappeared again. No reporters had bothered them, and Kaidan was thankful for that. They had tried to carry on as best as they could. But with the hearing starting in two hours it was impossible to push the uncertainty of the upcoming court case aside.

“Still, I’m not going to wear this shit for our wedding.” Shepard plucked the high collar of the jacket. “Damn this is stiff.”

Kaidan tried a smile, but didn’t really succeed.

“Come on, let’s go,” Shepard said. “Before I change my mind.”

* * *

 

The drive to the court building was a short. Autumn had cleared the trees of their leaves and left the air chillingly cold. Yet the day was sunny.

“You know, I checked up on Darrell a bit,” Kaidan said as he maneuvered their car around a corner.

Shepard raised an eyebrow.

“I mean, I wanted to know about him. At first I thought him very strange with all his notes and papers. But I checked him and did you know that he was one of the key figures to make marriage between turians and humans legal?”

“So?” Shepard shrugged.

“I mean you know how the laws were here on Earth.”

“Yeah, and only about 150 years ago our marriage would have been illegal in most parts of Earth.”

“Not my point. I mean that Darrell really seems to be very good at what he does. Just imagine. After the First Contact War. I see why people would be wary of turians. And Darrell was one of the key figures to turn it around. Made an official appeal and saw it through, against all odds. I think he’s really good at what he does.”

“Kaidan, I think you should give them more credit.” Shepard suppressed a laugh.

“Them?”

“Hackett and his team. I’m sure they are doing what is possible to, you know, help us given the circumstances.” Shepard smiled. “And I think their best shot was to hire Darrell. To give us a true chance and fight back.”

Kaidan pulled the car into the parking lot behind the big court building. “Yeah. Sorry. I just…”

“It’s alright.” Shepard grabbed Kaidan’s chin and pulled him into a kiss. “I know this hard on you. More on you than anyone else. And please know that I am sorry. But one day this nightmare will be over. Maybe one day we can just… live.”

Before Kaidan could reply, Shepard was out of the car. He took a deep breath as he watched his fiancé enter the building.

* * *

 

Shepard found Darrell in the hallway sipping a coffee. He didn’t seem fully awake. His eyes were red and he yawned two times in a row.

“You should get a coffee, too.” Darrell said. “You look like you need it.”

“I’m fine.” Shepard replied and stood stiffly next to Darrell. He tried to keep his face blank. His nerves were stretched thin, but he told himself to remain calm. This couldn’t be worse than facing down a Reaper.

Darrell smirked. “Well, you are not missing out. This tastes like it was brewed before the war. Anyway. It’s good that you’re here. You needn’t be, but it’s better that way. Your presence here will leave good impression. When they ask if you want to make a statement, we’ll decline for now. I’m still trying to figure out where the wind blows. And at this point of the trial there is no real reason for you to say anything. Today, we’ll be just sitting there, looking attentively at the prosecutor while she gives us a full, detailed, boring statement and raises the charges. We will then try to look surprised when the court allows the appeal and work from there. Can you do that? Look a bit unsettled and surprised, because you never saw that coming?”

Shepard shrugged.

“Ok, not an option, I see. Just don’t sit next to me like a blank, stone faced robot please.” Darrell opened the door to the court room and walked through, Shepard following.

The prosecutor, a middle-aged woman, was already at her table, sorting datapads and speaking avidly to an asari next to her. The latter turned and exited through the door.

Darrell sat down at their table and nosily let his bag drop onto the floor, drawing a raised eyebrow from some court employees. The prosecutor didn’t turn.

“That is Sharon Bentus by the way. A lovely creature, if you meet her in the park. Unfortunately, she is not good news for us,” Darrell said, leaning over to Shepard but making no real effort to talk quietly. “Concerning the judges we have two humans, one asari, and one turian. Marcus Long made it to Major in the Alliance Navy before studying council law. Milla Gilben has had a straight career through the various judge positions on Earth. The asari, I don’t remember her name, is a very respectable matriarch, and the turian, Mortus Melorius, shares family with the current Primarch. None of this is of any real importance to us, but at least it looks like we are discussing valuable strategies.”

Shepard tried to keep his face blank. Ever since he sat down, his heart had started racing and he could barely keep his breath even. The full weight of the trial was pulling down on him. He tried to fight back his rage at being used as a ploy to satisfy the batarians. He was tired of it. For a second he thought it would have been better if the Reapers had just won and be done with them. He tried to shift his thoughts. Anger wasn’t going to help him. He focused on Kaidan. In a few hours they would be back at home. Maybe they could get a dinner and spend the evening with crappy B-movies.

The hearing started without ceremony. Shepard watched as more and more people entered the room and sat down at their places. The asari Bentus had been talking with came back and sat down behind her. Shepard wondered how an asari had become the assistant of a human prosecutor.

Darrell nudged him in the side and they all stood as the judges entered the room. Shepard sat down again. His hip gave a sharp shout of pain in protest. He welcomed it. It drew his attention away from the prosecutor.  

After a short preamble, the prosecutor stood up, took a datapad from the asari and started talking. Shepard couldn’t focus on her. Her words drifted through him. He caught some phrases.

“…with a Cerberus vessel…”

“…causing the death of over 300,000 colonists living in that system…”

Next to him, Darrell took a long and noisy gulp from his water bottle, drawing irritated looks. Bentus carried on undisturbed.

“…reckless action…”

“…due to the high level of destruction, the relay seemed beyond repair until this date…”

Shepard lost his sense of time. He had no idea how long she had been talking. The pain in his hip was fading.

“…an unprecedented incident that has deeply shaken the pillars of our peaceful coexistence. There is no denying that Commander Shepard is responsible for the deaths of 300,000 people. The question now is: Is he guilty in the sense of the Council Law? Did he by blowing up the Alpha relay intent to kill those three hundred thousand lives? I say that yes, he is indeed and thereby raise my appeal to this High Court. We need to do those people justice. Therefore, we accuse the defendant of the willful destruction of the Alpha Relay and the resulting murder in 301,687 cases.”

Shepard noticed she was avoiding the term “batarian”. Everyone knew that 80-90% of the victims were batarians. The rest could have easily been slaves of various races. But she never referred to the victims as batarians. It confused him.

Bentus sat down again. The judges exchanged a look.

“Are there any doubts or appeals from the defense?” The voice of the turian Melorius was loud and sharp.

Darrell cleared his throat. “No, not at this point.”

Melorius nodded. “The High Court approves. The action is sustained. A grand jury will be called in. The meeting to appoint the jury will be on the 22nd of October 2187. Further proceedings will be timed after the jury is set.”

Darrell nudged him again. Shepard was slow to realize they were expected to stand again as the judges exited. He had missed the point where the hearing ended and stood confused watching people busily shuffling out of the courtroom.   

“That was it?” Shepard asked.

“Yep.” Darrell grinned. “Told you it would be dull and boring.”

“So, we can go now?”

“Sure. But I would recommend you wait a few minutes. There will be vultures outside with cameras and microphones. Let’s go to the cafeteria and have something to drink. I need to make notes.”

* * *

 

On their drive home, Shepard had peeled himself out of the stiff jacket. Everything around him was a blur, like he was dreaming. For an hour he had watched Darrell scribbling on various papers. He had shot a message to Kaidan, but hadn’t done anything else. Even his coffee had remained untouched on the table. A small rock in the sea of papers. 

“How did the hearing go?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard shrugged. He was terrified. 301,687. This number stayed with him. The weight of it crushed him.

He went to shower alone. He left the water cold. Just to feel something else.

When he left the bathroom, Kaidan was leaning against the wall in the hallway, chewing his lip.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” Kaidan’s voice was hoarse. “Please,” he added.

Shepard walked past him into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed.

301,687.

“Kaidan, what if… what if they are right? What if I made the wrong call?”

Kaidan lowered himself in front of Shepard, taking his hands in his own.  “You didn’t.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“John, if you hadn’t done it, the Reapers would have arrived six months earlier. We wouldn’t have stood a chance. You saved billions.”

“By murdering 301,687 people!” Shepard almost screamed. He saw the surprise and shock in Kaidan’s eyes. “Didn’t those people in the Bahak System have the same right as everyone else who might have been saved? I took their chance of survival away. Their chance to fight.” Shepard’s voice broke.

“Of course, they had the same right. And no one should have to make this decision. But see, you did and you had to.” Kaidan punched his omintool and opened a graph. “Look at this, will you? This is the average number of casualties during a single day of the Reaper War. Take this and add up the numbers. Six months more of death and destruction. If the Reapers had hit through the Alpha Relay, we would have been completely unprepared. The death toll would have been much higher. It’s just numbers. It’s not people. But look at them. Where would we be, if you hadn’t made that call?”

“Where did you get those numbers?”

“I gathered them through the last months.” Kaidan sighed. “Listen, I do see you. Your nightmares, the pain in your eyes. I was trying to find a way to make it better for you.”

Shepard looked at Kaidan, puzzled. He reached out and took Kaidan’s hand in his. The holo with the numbers disappeared.

Kaidan’s eyes were pleading. Shepard wished he could take the worry and fear from him. But instead he kept adding to it. He leaned forward and kissed Kaidan. It was the only way he could think of to say sorry for what he was putting him through. And to thank him for staying by his side, despite his responsibility for so many deaths. Despite the fact that he was broken and didn’t know if he would ever be fixed.

* * *

 

“So your attorney is satisfied with the jury?” Garrus asked, sitting on the sofa in the living room, brightly lit by unseasonable, yet welcome November sun.  He had arrived a day earlier. Shepard had tried to talk him out of coming to Earth. Garrus had many responsibilities on Palaven, having made another jump up in the hierarchy. But Garrus had insisted.

“Well, he stopped scribbling like crazy for a few seconds, so yes, I think so,” Shepard replied and shrugged. “Honestly, at this point, I have no other choice than to trust him.”

“What a mess.” Garrus shook his head. “And just imagine the size of it. 250 people? Four judges, appointed by the Council. Looks like they are really desperate.”

The doorbell rang. Kaidan jumped up. They had ordered dinner from a place that offered turian food as well. Kaidan hoped it would taste ok. There weren’t many turians on Earth and the selection of food and drink was narrow. Then again, Vancouver was probably the only place on Earth where one could currently get decent turian food.

Kaidan paid the man and watched him drive off on a motorcycle. The smell of the food was pleasant at least.

He brought their meals out to the living room. Garrus seemed to be comfortable on their sofa. Kaidan was glad he was here. He hoped it would help Shepard and take his mind off things. Shepard wasn’t talking about the trial. He was hardly talking at all. Worry mixed with anger. Kaidan had no idea how to reach out to Shepard. A week ago they had been on the brink of arguing. But Shepard had shrugged and gone to bed, refusing to say anything else.

It was tough and Garrus was a welcome distraction.

Kaidan watched Shepard gulp down the prepared food. He was glad the latter was eating at all, although he obviously wasn’t enjoying it. He skipped meals far too often. In addition, he had cancelled most of his therapy sessions with his doctors. But Kaidan had stopped questioning him about it. It was no use. Shepard was stubborn.

They were halfway through dinner when the doorbell rang again.

“Did you forget to tip?” Garrus asked lightly.

Kaidan went to open the door to two policemen. Irritated, he stood in the doorway.

“Uh, we need to see Commander John Shepard,” the older of the two said. They both seemed nervous, tapping their fingers and shifting their weight.

“What? Why?” Kaidan asked, stopping the older man from entering by raising his hand.

“We will discuss it with him.” The younger man tried to push himself through the door as well.

Kaidan raised his voice. “No. Stop. If there is anything you need to discuss right now, we will first call up our attorney. You can’t simple barge in here.”

“I am afraid we can.” The older one produced a datapad from his coat and handed it to Kaidan. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry,” he added in a low voice.

Kaidan stared at it in disbelief.

_Warrant for arrest on remand._

Startled, he didn’t stop them from entering the house this time. He turned and saw Shepard standing in the hallway, his expression blank.

“What is going on here?” Garrus came up behind Shepard.

“Commander Shepard? We are here to put you under arrest. You are under detention while awaiting trial. Please come with us right away.” The two policeman walked up to Shepard. Shepard’s expression didn’t changed. He didn’t move.

“Wait! Stop!” Kaidan snapped out of his trance and jumped after the policemen. “We have to call Darrell. You can’t just…”

“Please.” The older man a raised a hand. “You are free to call your attorney, but you have to come with us right away.”

To Kaidan’s horror, Shepard nodded.

“No! This is bullshit. At least wait until we’ve made the call.” Kaidan was shouting.

“Kaidan, please. It’s alright,” Shepard said in a too calm voice. “Garrus, please look after him.” He added with a quick glance over his shoulder to where Garrus stood, looking grim and ready to launch into the policemen, if given the cue.

“I’m sorry, but we need…” One of the policemen fumbled with a pair of handcuffs.

“Of course.” Shepard nodded and offered no resistance, as they cuffed his hands behind his back. 

Kaidan’s heart beat painfully against his chest. As they started to lead Shepard through the hallway, he sprang into their path, losing better sense to pure panic.

“Please, don’t go.” He didn’t care that his voice was breaking.

“Kaidan, it’s alright. Please let us pass.” Shepard looked at him for the first time. “Remember that I love you.”

Kaidan was pushed out of the way. He staggered against the wall and watched desperately. Someone approached him from behind. Garrus. He steadied Kaidan with a strong grip on his shoulders.

He watched them as they approached the police car. People on the street stopped to look. One policeman opened the door and the other guided Shepard into the car. Without a glance back, they got into the car and drove off.

* * *

 

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” Darrell shouted into his omni-tool, as he steered his car around a corner. “You can’t just pull a bullshit move like this without at least giving me a heads up.”

“I was as surprised by the decision of the High Court as you. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from shouting.” Hackett’s voice was as calm and steady as always. Never before had Darrell wanted to punch someone so badly. He stopped the car just in time in front of a red traffic light. He already had a significant number of traffic infractions on his record.   

“You hired me. I thought we were working with each other, not against.” He noticed his left eye was twitching. A sure sign of high stress. “And you can’t just tell me that after almost two months since you started this show, the High Court suddenly came up with the idea to put my client under arrest.”

“Shepard is charged with the murder of over 300,000…”

“Really? You never mentioned this before.”

“Darrell, this is not my trial. It is as much out of my control as it is out of yours. The Council-appointed judges are free to take whatever measures within normal procedures as they see fit.”

“And now they are suddenly claiming what? That Shepard would run off? And solitary confinement on top of it all? What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Darrell had to hit the brakes hard to not run into the car in front of him. He punched the horn.

“Once more, this is not my doing. It is the decision of the court.”  

“Jesus Christ, Hackett. Do you have any idea what this means? They are marching him around like a goddamned criminal. They put him in solitary as if he were a highly dangerous person. If you are not interested in the implications here, then do you have any idea what this will do to Shepard himself?”

“I am confident that Commander Shepard is able to bear the situation and that he’s…”

“You have no idea, do you? Have you ever talked to him since our first meeting?” The only reply Darrell received was silence.  He shook his head. “Having you on our side is actually worse than the other way round. I’ll sort it out. Somehow.”

“Goodbye, Darrell.”

Darrell hung up.

* * *

 

“Here.” Someone placed a warm cup of coffee in his hands. Startled, Kaidan almost dropped it. He didn’t want coffee. But the weight and warmth of the cup gave him something to hold onto.

News of the arrest was spreading like wildfire. For the first time since the start of the trial, reporters were gathering in front of the house. The phone had rung constantly until Samantha had arrived and shut it off.

A little later James and Steve had arrived. Only Joker was missing, refusing to answer any of their messages urging him to not to be alone.

They were all running around the house. Typing messages, speaking to friends far off.

Kaidan sat alone in front of the plate with their now cold, and only half eaten, dinner. He stared at the place Shepard usually sat. Apart from handing him the coffee, no one approached him. They probably didn’t know what to do with him and were worried about Shepard as much as he was.

When the doorbell rang through the house again, Kaidan dropped the cup. It hit the floor, splattering coffee and shards through the living room. No one moved nor spoke.

“Sorry,” Kaidan muttered and bend down to pick up the shards. A firm hand on his arm stopped him.

“Here, let me do that,” James said. “Someone get the door?”

Kaidan leaned back on the sofa and tried to calm his nerves.

* * *

 

Darrell was greeted by a man he hadn’t met before. He seemed to know who Darrell was and introduced himself as Steve Cortez. Darrell thought he’d read the name before in the files.

He was guided into the living room, where Kaidan sat on the sofa surrounded by shards and spilled coffee. More people were present, including a turian. A bulky man was trying to clear up the mess, navigating the table and Kaidan awkwardly.

The bulky man nudged Kaidan to make him aware of Darrell. Kaidan looked at him. Darrell saw the brief flicker of hope in the major’s eyes. He shook his head and saw the hope die. He sighed.

He couldn’t help but feel sympathy for the younger man.  But most of all, he was angry with himself at being unable to prevent or successfully appeal the arrest. He dropped his bag and sat down opposite Kaidan. This was harder than he had imagined. He was too involved in this assignment. It was not his style. Usually he kept a professional distance. This time he hadn’t been able to.

“So,” he said, fully aware of all the eyes in the room resting on him. “The decision stands. Shepard is to remain under arrest until the trial determines what is to happen to him.”

“Why?” Kaidan asked, refusing to meet Darrell’s gaze.

“Apparently they came to the conclusion that, with the charges brought up against him, he should be in a cell. Or maybe someone had a really bad day. I don’t know. I’m getting stonewalled. But this is how it is.” Darrell shook his head. “I’m sorry. I should have seen this coming.”

The bulky man had finished cleaning up. He shrugged at someone behind Darrell.

“Can I… can I see him?” Kaidan asked.

“I’ve already prepared the papers.” Darrell reached for his bag and pulled out a small folder. “You need to sign these, please.”  He watched Kaidan leaf through the documents. The turian handed him a pen. “However,” Darrell added, “Shepard is placed in solitary confinement. There are a bunch of restrictions. It might take some time to push this through.”

“And why would they do that?” the turian asked. Darrell guessed that this was Garrus, a close friend of Shepard’s.

“Because they want to show the galaxy that they are taking this trial seriously.” Darrell took the signed documents from Kaidan. “I have the strong feeling that some politician made a couple calls.” He stood up. “Anyway, I’ll get these processed immediately.”

Kaidan followed him to the door. He seemed tired. Darrell was afraid he’d collapse.

Darrell stopped at the door. “Do you have someone looking after you?”

Kaidan sighed. “The house is full of people.”

“I noticed.” Darrell tried a smile. “But, excuse me for saying so, you look really beaten. Let someone stay with you.” He wondered why he was telling Kaidan that.

“Do you… think we still have a chance?” Kaidan’s voice was horse.

Darrell bit his lip. “Yes, I do believe that. It’ll be more work now, but I think the public opinion is still in our favor. We can use that.”

“You know one of the policemen that came over actually apologized. Said he was sorry.”

“This is what I mean. People see Shepard still as a hero. We have a chance.”  Darrell turned to leave.

“But what if… what if we don’t…?” Desperation rang clearly from this question.

Darrell stopped in his step. It was no use to lie to Kaidan. The other man was too smart to be comforted by half-truths or platitudes. Darrell grimaced.

“If we lose, well, there are many possibilities. The most likely is a lifelong prison sentence. And I fear that if it came to that, he would be handed over to the batarians. I’m pretty sure they were the reason the arrest today happened in the first place.” He extended a hand and patted the other man’s shoulder. “But I will not let that happen easily. Try to get some rest, Major.”

With a final, determined smile, he left Kaidan, his mind already working on new strategies.

* * *

 

“No, you can’t do that.” Shepard leaned back, crossed his arms in front of him, and shook his head.

Darrell rolled his eyes. He had expected this reaction, though not the vehemence. Shepard looked ragged and beaten. In his first week of prison, he had already visibly lost weight. His eyes were red and puffy. And he was walking with a limp. Something Darrell hadn’t seen him do before. He had ensured that Shepard could continue his medical treatment as before. The physio therapist had even offered to come to the prison and treat Shepard. But the latter had refused in a similar manner as he did now.

“Fact is we need a witness.” Darrell shrugged. “Lt. Cortez is our best bet. He was on Ferris Fields. He saw the force of the Collectors with his own eyes. He can attest to it. To that and to the fact that the Alliance did not take the threat seriously. Nor did they send any help. Both are valuable arguments for us. To legitimatize your run with Cerberus in the Jury’s eyes.”

“He lost his husband when the Collector’s hit. You can’t use this to prove a point.” Shepard stared at him stone faced.

“The prosecution will. They will throw crying relatives at us during the trial.”

“Then they can do so. But you are not using Steve like this.”

“Let me at least to talk to him. I know that you are good friends. I’m sure, if given the chance, he’d do anything to help.”

“If you talk to him, you are not giving him a chance. You are trapping him. He won’t be able to refuse.” Shepard’s stubbornness continued to amaze Darrell.

“Commander, I think by now you should have realized how serious your situation is. You should stop thinking about others. At least as long as you are locked away in prison. I’m not looking forward to using your friends in this manner. But I am legally bound to look at all our options and decide the best strategies. Besides, they are your friends. They are currently all gathered at your home, coming up with borderline crazy ideas like hacking into the Council files or deleting all the files from the prosecution.”

Shepard looked away. Darrell hoped he had won the argument.

“Ok.” Shepard said. “But speak with James first. If he says it’s ok, you can speak with Steve.”

Darrell smiled and made notes.

“But please, promise me you’ll speak with James first. And if he’s hesitant or says it would be bad for Steve, don’t go further.” Shepard’s gaze was on Darrell again.

“I will.” He replied. He started to pack his bag.

“How is… how is Kaidan?” Shepard asked.

Darrell looked up, surprised. It was the first time Shepard had directly inquired after his fiancé.

“Well, saying he’s fine would be a lie.” Darrell twisted his mouth. “But he’s holding on. And so far, he has been behaving more reasonable than you or any of your friends.” 

“Can I see him?” 

“I’m pushing the visitor appeal. Would be easier, if you two were already married. We’ll see.” Darrell nodded towards the guard standing behind Shepard

“Thank you,” Shepard said, as the guard led him away.

* * *

 

Darrell went straight to see Lt. Cortez. The apartment he shared with two of his former crewmates was big compared to the rooms most civilians had available.

Cortez himself opened the door. From what Darrell had gathered, he was a very friendly and open person. He greeted Darrell with a smile and led him to the living room. He only inquired about Darrell’s intention to come over after they were seated with cups of coffee in front of them.

“Are you alone?” Darrell looked around.

“Yes. James is driving Jok… Jeff around for his treatment.” Cortez smiled. “They should be back soon, though. So if you want to see them and have the time, you can just wait here.”

“Ah.” Darrell rummaged in his bag. “Actually, I was meaning to talk to you. But…” He had promised Shepard and hated to be  _that_  guy. But Lt. Vega was not around and being an asshole was part of his job.

“Then fire away.” Cortez hadn’t lost his smile. Darrell had always seen him in a good mood. A bit too serious at times, maybe. Nothing in his behavior suggested he was one of the few survivors of Ferris Fields. But looks could be deceiving, and Darrell had no way to guess Cortez’s reaction.

“As you are aware, the situation became more serious recently. With Shepard’s incarceration, I am myself no longer so confident. Especially since the judges are stonewalling every appeal from our side. I talked to Shepard today…”

“How is he?” Cortez interrupted him.

“Well, he is holding on. But though he would never admit it, it is wearing him down.”

“And you think I can help?”

Darrell looked at Cortez in surprise. “Yes. I was thinking of naming you as a witness.”

Cortez nodded gravely. His face was serious.

“Shepard is not convinced. He doesn’t want to drag you into this. Even made me promise to first approach your housemate. Well, we’re past that point.”

“Of course.” Cortez snorted. “That’s so typical for Shepard.”

“Still, I agree with him. We’ll only name you if you are ok with it. This talk here is just between you and me. You can decline. And you should even, if you think…”

“I am not declining.” Cortez held up a hand to interrupt Darrell. “It makes sense, I suppose. You’ll want to know about Ferris Fields?”

“Yeah.” Darrell watched Cortez carefully.

“Ok.” A sigh. “It’s ok. Won’t be easy, but Shepard deserves all the support we can give him. And I’m fine. Tell him that, please.”

“I will.” Darrell nodded and smiled. “There are some papers you need to sign and the court has to approve first, of course.”

“Sure.” Cortez took the papers from Darrell. He hesitated for a second. “Do you need the audio?”

“Audio?”

“I have a message from Robert… my husband. We were speaking, when the Collector’s hit. I saved the audio. For whatever stupid reason.” Cortez took a shaking breath, his eyes mirroring pain.

“I don’t think that’s necessary.” Darrell said.

“Good. I mean, I could provide it, if it helps. But…”

“If we really need it, I’ll let you know. But for us, it’s more important that we present enough material that justifies Commander Shepard’s time with Cerberus. Things like how long it took the Alliance to reach Ferris Fields and so on.”

“Yeah, I see.” Cortez signed the papers. “Sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop hurting…”

“It won’t, I’m afraid. A part of them will always stay with us.” Darrell took the papers and left. 

* * *

 

Three weeks of stagnation. Darrell had tried to push the procedures forwards. Argued it would be better to walk into the storm quickly. A date for the start of the trial hadn’t been set.

And Kaidan still hadn’t received his visitor’s permit. He got daily updates from Darrell, though. He called or came over. Kaidan had a feeling Darrell was checking up on him. But he didn’t comment. Garrus was around, too, doing his best to support.

Kaidan was going crazy. He needed to see Shepard. But, as Darrell pointed out every time, they were not yet married, merely engaged. And due to the high level of restrictions of the solitary confinement, there was even a chance Kaidan would not be able to visit Shepard.

On top of it all, Joker had gone missing for two days following Shepard’s arrest. He had turned up looking ragged and beaten down another evening at Kaidan’s home. He had been wandering the city and refused to give any more details. James had been furious, screaming at Joker before anyone could stop him. Joker had only shrugged.

Everything was coming apart. Now, when other people were recovering, building new lives and dreams, their own lives had been plunged into chaos. Everything they had tried to build, had been torn down again.

Kaidan sat at the kitchen table, trying to eat his breakfast. Garrus sat next to him, watching with a grim face. Kaidan knew as a biotic he had to eat at least something, but the food tasted stale and made him sick.

His omni-tool blinked with a new message from Darrell.

_Meet me in my office at 9. Your appeal was just approved._

Kaidan jumped up, startling Garrus.  “Can you drive me over to Darrell’s? I think… I think I can see John today.”

* * *

 

They arrived half an hour early, but Darrell seemed to be expecting them nonetheless. He stuffed his papers in his bag and headed to the garage with Kaidan, promising Garrus he would drop him off at home later.

Darrell had a very unique driving style. With John, Kaidan was used to a lot of things. Still, the way Darrell approached each traffic light, like he was challenging it to a fist fight, made Kaidan uneasy.

“There are a few things you need to know.” Darrell said. “There are high restrictions put on Shepard. We will meet him with a guard present at all times. Before we enter the visitor’s room, you’ll have to hand in your amp, naturally, but your omni-tool will also be disabled.”

Kaidan nodded, but Darrell continued on.

“Furthermore, and this is important, you are not touch. Not even to say hello or goodbye. You will be in the same room, though. No glass windows or barriers. With the guard present, do not speak about the trial. They are currently digging for more information about possible missteps and trust me the guard will listen. I will be sitting next to you and let you know when you better drop a subject.

“And lastly, I want you to be prepared that Shepard is not looking so well. I doubt he is sleeping much. I need you to reassure him as much as possible. Try to get his spirits up. Prod him and make him realize that the fight is far from over.”

* * *

 

The procedures at the prison made Kaidan feel like a criminal. They had to show their papers several times. Twice he was checked for weapons. His L2 implant caused several people to run around and make calls. His omni-tool was disabled and checked twice. He had to leave all papers and keys and received a big badge marking him as “Visitor”.

The walk through the prison corridors was long. The building, an actual federal prison before the War, had been used by the Reapers. Due the comparatively low amount of damage done to it, it was back to serving its old function.

They stopped in front of an inconspicuous door.

“Remember what I told you.” Darrel nodded at Kaidan as the guard that had been leading him there pushed the door open.

Shepard was already seated in the room. He jumped up, when he saw Kaidan enter. Immediately another guard, standing behind him, barked at Shepard to sit down. Kaidan flinched. Shepard looked pale and small. His eyes were red and underlined by dark circles. Kaidan could barely fight back the urge to reach out for him.

Darrell pushed Kaidan towards a chair opposite Shepard and sat down next to him.

“It is so good to see you. Are you ok?” Shepard was smiling at Kaidan.

“Yeah.” Kaidan returned the smile.

“Garrus still around?”

“Oh, yeah. He’s appointed himself my personal guardian. It’s weird.”

Shepard laughed. It wasn’t his usual, bright laugh.

Meanwhile, Darrell unpacked his bag, loading document upon document on the table.

The guard started to circle the room, ensuring that they never forgot his presence.

Shepard inquired more about Kaidan and life outside, desperately trying to create a normal conversation. Kaidan carefully dodged the difficult subjects, like Joker’s little excursion. He could barely keep his hands still, aching to at least clasp Shepard’s hands in his own.

“Five more minutes.” The guard announced.

Kaidan sighed. He waited until the guard had circled the table once more. It didn’t take much focus to shoot a tiny ball of biotic energy over the table. It burst on Shepard’s fingers, briefly covering Shepard’s hand in blue energy before dissipating again. Darrell cleared his throat and raised some papers in front of them, covering the line of sight of the guard. He didn’t notice and carried on around the room.

Shepard’s stared at his hand and smiled genuinely. His face lit up without the shadow of despair.

“Do you think you can manage to go on?” Kaidan inquired.

Shepard nodded. “I will. I will fight, Kaidan.”

“One more minute, please prepare to leave.” The guard stopped at the door and knocked on it from inside. The guard who had led them through the building entered. Darrell started to pack his papers, keeping his eyes on Kaidan.

“I love you, John.” Kaidan stood up.

“I love you, too.”

* * *

 

“So, what do you say?” Darrell broke the silence in the car shortly before they reached Kaidan’s home. “Do you think he’s able to pull though?”

“I don’t know.” Kaidan shrugged.

“You know him better than anyone else. I need your honest opinion. The last few times I was there I was sure he’s losing it.”

“He’s not well. I haven’t seen him in such a state since our mission on Thessia.” Kaidan sighed. “I hope he can hold on.”

“By the way, I have the new documents on the back seat. You just need to sign.”

Kaidan turned and grabbed for the mentioned file. Another appeal to visit Shepard. He noticed that Shepard had already signed it a few days ago. Kaidan traced his signature with the tip of his finger.

“You know I just keep losing him,” Kaidan said.

“What do you mean?” Darrell shot him a confused glance.

“He died on the first Normandy. I ran to him, as everything was blowing apart. He told me to evacuate. He would just grab Joker and get out. But he didn’t. I could have just dragged him after me. But I left.”

“You did as your commanding officer told you.”

“Yeah.” Kaidan snorted. “But when he was back, I refused to listen to him. I didn’t believe him. I should have. But I was too stupid. When he was in Alliance detention, I couldn’t see him. I tried, but they blocked every request I made. And then, at the end, he just ran off into that Reaper beam. I was sure I would never see him again. After the War, it took two months until I received the confirmation that he was alive, another week until they told me where he was and that I could see him.” Kaidan took exasperated breath. “And now… now he’s gone again.”

Darrell sighed. Kaidan knew he sounded pathetic and he didn’t expect Darrell to say anything. He was embarrassed. To whine to a stranger like he just did. He should be more in control of himself. But once he had started, he hadn’t been able to stop himself. It was easier to speak to Darrell than to his friends. They were all worried for Shepard. Kaidan didn’t want to add to that. He kept to himself. Besides, what should he say to them? After all, he wasn’t the one being locked up alone in a small cell.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Kaidan added.

“No,” Darrell interrupted him. “By all means. You know, I lost my wife over a year ago. A terminal illness. Don’t even get to blame the Reapers.” Darrell sighed deeply. “And wife is not correct either. Our marriage was never made legal. You see, we married before human and turian laws were changed. A romantic sentiment and a nice reason for a party with some friends. Due to Leandra’s sickness, we never got to make it official. Her parents were glad, though. They hated me and nearly expelled her from the family. Good thing her death prevented that.” Darrell laughed and shook his head. “But for a few years, we were a happy little family. Lived together on the Citadel with our… her daughter. She separated from the father shortly before we met. And on the Citadel, we didn’t even stand out. Just a normal patchwork family. But in the end, she had to go back to Palaven for better treatment. I was held up on the Citadel with various assignments. I promised to come after her, but never made it. When she died, her parents made sure to cut the ties and keep their grandchild away from me. Wouldn’t even allow me letters.”

“Did they… survive?” Kaidan asked carefully, not sure if he should be prying. He had never expected to hear Darrell’s personal story.

“I keep hacking into the turian records. Two months ago, Leandra’s parents showed up on the death registry. No word of Meneva. New names haven’t been added for weeks now. So, I believe she made it. Out of reach for me, though. But I hope she’s safe.” Darrell took a deep, shaking breath. “You see, I do know a thing or two about loss. You have a lot of friends around you. Accept their help. Don’t run around carrying all that guilt on your shoulders. And first chance you get, you sign an official, legally binding marriage certificate.”

Kaidan nodded.

“How old is she?” Kaidan asked hesitantly.

“Meneva? Eight by now. Hope she has someone who looks after her. I couldn’t find her name on any official list. None of the orphanages on Palaven has it. But I think it’s the same type of chaos there as it is here.”

“We could try and find her.” Kaidan bit his lip. He still had his Spectre status. He could go looking, having easy access to all sorts of files and data feeds. Or ask Garrus for help. Liara even.

The sound of a ringing phone interrupted his thoughts.

“Please sign the papers,” Darrell said with a smile and answered the phone.

Kaidan searched for a pen, found one in the glove compartment and signed the documents. They stopped in front of Kaidan’s home. Darrell was still speaking, motioning for Kaidan to hand him the pen and something to write on.

He noted a date and time before hanging up.  

“Ok, this here.” He pointed at the date. 11-Jan, 10:30am. “The trial will start on that day.”

“That’s only two weeks from now.” Kaidan bit his lip.

“Yes. Barely enough time for us to prepare. But it is good because things are moving again. I’ll get the written confirmation and will be back soon. Meanwhile, can you please prepare Shepard’s uniform?”

“I will.” Kaidan opened the door to the car. “And Darrell, thank you for all you have done for us. I’m sorry I didn’t say this before.”

Darrell looked taken aback, but grinned. “Just doing my job.”


	3. Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Songlist by Ruby](http://8tracks.com/4br4/mebb-2016-justice)
> 
> _1\. The Truth - Audiomachine_  
>  _2\. Grey Weather - Gregory and the Hawk_  
>  _3\. I Found (Acoustic) - Amber Run_  
>  _4\. To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens_  
>  _5\. The One I Love - David Gray_  
>  _6\. Home - Phillip Phillips_  
>  _7\. Best Day of My Life (Acoustic)_  
>  _8\. A Century is All We Need - Gregory and the Hawk_

 

Meb made her way to the courthouse. She was excited and had barely slept. Today would mark the day the victims of the Alpha Relay destruction would see justice. And she would be a part of the Grand Jury, ensuring that.

She had studied Council Law on the Citadel before the War. Back when they had all been alive. Her sister had called her crazy. No one would take a batarian lawyer seriously. But Meb had dreams. She wanted to become an ambassador, helping to overcome the difference between the batarians and the Council races. Since the early death of their parents, who had been shot by robbers on the streets of Armoth, the biggest city on Aratoth, her sister had cared for her. She had never approved of her studies, but she and her husband had supported Meb with money. They had wanted to see her smile. Meb in turn had visited them on Aratoth whenever she had the chance.

Her sister had given birth to a wonderful baby girl. Meb adored her. She had skipped a term to help her sister care for the baby. Little Galla had loved her aunt as much. Meb remembered the way Galla’s tiny hand had closed around her finger.

Meb had left to continue her studies in summer of 2186. Four days later little Galla was gone. As were her sister and her brother-in-law.

The only memento she’d had left of them, a picture of all four of them laughing in the evening sun of Aratoth, had been lost during the war.

Meb hadn’t had time to mourn. With bitter determination she finished her studies shortly after the Reapers hit Earth. _Summa Cum Laude._ A human term. She had tried to fight her hatred. What one single human had done couldn’t be reflected on all of them. She had been fighting the same prejudices brought against her, a young batarian student.

During the war she had become a communication advisor and had been sent to Earth. She had helped the batarian forces on there. Somehow she had survived, was still breathing, while little Galla wasn’t. It wasn’t right.

When she heard about the trial, she pulled strings, made calls. She had to cover up anything that traced her to Aratoth. A friend she met during the war helped her to change her records. Finally, she had been accepted onto the Jury.

Today she would see the man who had killed her family.

She stepped into the courthouse, produced her ID, and was sent to a big meeting room where she had to wait. She saw the other members of the jury. Salarians, turians, a lot of humans, and asari. She spotted few other batarians. Even a handful of drell were gathered in a corner.

The trial was set up for a duration of twelve days. It would be exhausting. All members of the jury would be staying in the same hotel. No extranet, no omni-tools, no TV. Almost like prisoners, only they had room service and softer beds. But Meb could bear that.

An asari with a stern face entered the room. She spoke into a mic and advised them to please take their places in the court room. The chief judge would be present to take their oaths. After this they would open the room for the public. The trial was to start at 10:30am. They were reminded of their duties as jury members.

Meb followed the people into the courtroom. It was big. The auditorium was split. Two-thirds of the space would be taken up by the jury. The other third would leave the remaining of seats for the public, selected press mainly.

Meb ended up in the front row. She was uncomfortable, like a schoolgirl waiting for her teacher to discover she hadn’t done her homework.

She looked around and saw the prosecutor and defense attorney already at their places. She was surprised to see a smile on the defense attorney’s face. He seemed relaxed, slouching in his chair and watching the long procession of jury members, as though he didn’t take the whole thing serious. The chair next to him was empty.

The prosecutor looked around with grim determination. An asari shuffled around her, handing her papers, running off and returning with more datapads.

The preparations took a long time. Meb nervously tapped her feet against the ground.

“Ah, before we begin.” The judge walked in front of the jury seats and addressed them directly. “I must remind you to stay just and fair. There has been a lot of media coverage about this trial. I think every one of you already has an opinion. However, I must remind you that when you make your vote, you should only consider the things you heard and saw here during the trial itself. Remember, with your vote you are judging another person. The charges brought up against him are enormous. Yet, he still remains a person like you are, with the very same feelings, hopes and dreams. Please always keep this mind.”

What a strange thing to say to them. Meb frowned.

* * *

 

Shepard was surprised to be led into Darrell’s court office. He had expected to wait in a holding cell. As soon as the guards took his cuffs off, Darrell handed him his uniform. The material was as stiff and uncomfortable as ever.

Darrell motioned for Shepard to sit down and gave him a few last instructions. No statement from his side, at least not today. Darrell wanted to get a feeling for the trial. Whatever that meant.

“Ok. I’ll go see the jury now. I’ll be back in between to get you.” Darrell looked at his watch. “In about half an hour, I guess.”

Darrell opened to the door. “Ah, you made it. Sorry, that was a bit short notice.”

“No, I was around anyway. Can I…?” It was Kaidan. Shepard turned around in disbelief.

“Of course, you have about half an hour, I think.” Darrell rushed off, leaving a speechless Shepard alone with Kaidan and two guards who pretended to not be interested in the situation.

Kaidan embraced Shepard. The latter was prepared for the guards to part them, but nothing happened. He relaxed and hugged Kaidan in turn. To have Kaidan close, to feel his warm breath against his neck, was overwhelming. In the last weeks, he had almost convinced himself it would never happen again.

They sat down together, hands entwined.

“Looks like Darrell called in some favors. He called me half an hour ago and told me I could see you,” Kaidan explained. “God, I miss you so.”

“I’m terrified, Kaidan.” Shepard’s voice was hoarse whisper.

“So, am I, John. But, here, wait a second.” Kaidan fumbled in his pocket. “I brought this. For reassurance and… and hope.”

It was a ring, black metal with a blue band running through its middle. It looked like a shooting star on a night sky. It was difficult for Kaidan to put the ring on Shepard’s shaking finger. The ring was slightly too big as well. But Shepard had lost a lot of weight in the past weeks. He could make up for it, if he were to have this chance.

True to his word, Darrell was back half an hour later. With a heavily beating heart, Shepard separated Kaidan’s hands from his own. One guard reached for the cuffs at his belt, but Darrell stopped him with an impatient wave of his hand.

Shepard took a deep breath and, gathering his strength, followed Darrell into the courtroom with determined steps.

* * *

 

“The first day of the trial against Commander John Shepard is hereby opened. Presenting on the prosecutor’s side is Dr. Sharon Bentus. On the defendant’s side, we have Commander John Shepard represented by his attorney, Dr. Henry Darrell. The judges and jury are present. Names as in the protocols. Are there any further appeals by the defendant or prosecutor? No? Alright. Then for the records, this trial has been approved by the Council and is held under Council law. Dr. Bentus, please read the charges.”

The prosecutor stood and read from her datapad. Kaidan wasn’t listening to her. He knew the bill already. He kept his eyes fixed on Shepard who stared blankly straight ahead into the room, his hand clasped tightly on top the table.

When Dr. Bentus had finished, the main judge took the word again. “Thank you, Dr. Bentus. Commander Shepard. Would you please answer some questions concerning yourself?”

Shepard nodded.

“Alright then, you were born on Earth, a suburb of Singapore on 11th of April, 2154. Is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“You are single, no children.”

“I’m engaged.” Shepard looked at Kaidan for reassurance. Kaidan inclined his head.

“Well, engaged is not an official status under Council law, I’m afraid. We’ll note single.” The judge continued on. “You joined the Alliance at 18 years, went through various programs and finally graduated from the N7 Special Forces program in 2183?”

“That is correct.”

“Alright.” The judge tapped a datapad. “After your graduation and a short assignment on Elysium you were assigned to the SSV Normandy SR1 as an executive officer under Captain David Anderson in that same year.  Further on, you became a Council Spectre. You were falsely proclaimed “KIA” after the SSV Normandy SR-1 was destroyed by a Collector ship, and you reappeared in 2185. During this time, you were working for Cerberus, an organization that was flagged as terroristic by the Council in 2188. You maintained your Council status and were never discharged from the Alliance.”

Shepard flinched, but nodded.

“Following the events that led to the destruction of the Alpha Relay, you handed yourself over to the Alliance and were placed under house arrest while the events were under investigation. Following the attack of the Reapers six months later, marking the outbreak of the Reaper War, you were reinstated under Alliance military law and given command of the SSV Normandy SR-2.

“Following the continuation of the investigation of the Alpha Relay incident, your Spectre status was pulled on the 24th October 2188. I read here that you are still instated as a Commander of the Alliance Navy, but you are currently unassigned while you recover from injuries that occurred in course of the War?”

“Ah yes,” Darrell stepped in. “And the Alliance will decide after the outcome of the trial whether Commander Shepard will be discharged or not.”

“I see. You are currently imprisoned on remand at the Vancouver Federal Prison and… “

“In solitary confinement, chief judge. Just mark that, please.” Darrell interrupted and drew annoyed glances from the judges and the prosecutor. The chief judge continued on, unimpressed.

“You are held at the Vancouver Prison and will remain so for the duration of this trial. Any further questions for the defendant? No? Alright, you have the chance to make a statement here now. Do you wish to do so?”

“No, currently my client does not wish to make a statement. He will do so later,” Darrel replied for Shepard.

“If that is so, I think we can continue with the hearing of the evidence. Dr. Bentus?”

The prosecutor nodded and called in her first witness, an Alliance official who had been leading the investigation before the war.

Kaidan folded his arms in front of his chest and took a deep breath. He didn’t dare to look over to the jury. He was afraid of what he might see in their faces.

* * *

 

The trial kept rolling. Kaidan met Shepard each morning before the start in Darrell’s office. They never talked much. Just sat close, trying to calm their nerves.

The second day at court was spent discussing Shepard’s death. The Alliance was claiming that their commander had been proclaimed KIA by mistake. Instead they shifted his status to MIA. Easier to make him a Cerberus terrorist that way. The discussion went to and fro, delivering nothing of substance for the trial itself.

It upset Shepard. Kaidan could see it from his seat in the auditorium. Shepard’s face was pale, lips a thin line, and he clenched the table hard, his knuckles white. No one gave a second thought about the trauma Shepard had endured. No one cared. Kaidan wished he could reach out, tell Shepard it would be alright and shield him from the useless assumptions of the people in the courtroom.

The day ended, nothing new or important had been brought forward. Kaidan watched Shepard being taken away. He couldn’t bear it. James took him home. He lay in bed alone, his chest aching.

* * *

 

“Your name is Carina Abell, currently Staff Commander in the Alliance Navy under Admiral Hackett. You were born and raised in Bremen. You are 42 years old, married, two children.”

“That is correct.” The woman in the middle of the room was small. She looked lost, tightly clasping the bag she had brought in front of her. She avoided looking at Shepard.

It was the fifth day. Abell, an Alliance intelligence operative, had been brought in by the prosecution. She had helped during the mission in the Bahak system, gathering intelligence for Dr. Kenson.

“Please describe your assignment before the destruction of the Alpha Relay.”

Abell continued with a long, detailed explanation about her work and the research Dr. Kenson had conducted.

“So, when did you notice that something had gone wrong with Dr. Kenson?” The chief judge asked.

“Well, we couldn’t raise her. She stopped reporting for a week. I started to dig into the data feeds from the Alpha Relay. I found information that she had indeed been captured by batarian forces.”

“What did you do then?”

“We discussed what we should do. There was no way we could get in with any Alliance ship. It would have been an act of war. Admiral Hackett thought about sending in the Alliance’s 103rd Marine Division. But as I said, it would have been an act of war. We couldn’t risk it.”

“This was when you contacted Commander Shepard?”

“Yes.” Abell still didn’t look over to the defendant side. “The Admiral thinks very highly of him. He said that no one else could do it. As he was commanding a Cerberus ship, the Alliance wouldn’t be responsible for it either.”

“A classical black ops mission then?”

“No, because technically Commander Shepard wasn’t with the Alliance.”

“Ah, I see. We’ve already had that discussion in detail. That was of course very convenient. Any further questions towards Staff Commander Abell?” The chief judged looked around.

“Yes, please.” Darrell looked up from his notes and smiled. “Staff Commander Abell, why did you go to such lengths to save Dr. Kenson?”

“I’m sorry?” Abell turned her gaze for the first time from the judges.

“I mean, you have one team of scientist, brilliant ones, granted. But when they went to the Bahak system, they knew it was a dangerous assignment. That the batarians wouldn’t allow human scientists in their system and wouldn’t let them go, should they be captured. Yet you risked a diplomatic incident that could have easily led to a full blown war. I wonder what made Dr. Kenson so valuable.”

“Well, we couldn’t simply abandon her. She was in a batarian prison.”

“And you were afraid she would leak information? I’m wondering. Because the Alliance so far hardly made any moves to, for example, free civilians that have been captured or enslaved by batarians. True enough, you try to stop slavers when they attack. But once taken, you don’t move in and try to free anyone. So, why did you go to such lengths to save Dr. Kenson who took on that risk willingly?” Darrell’s hard voice betrayed his friendly smile.

“I still don’t follow.”

“Alright. Then let’s try it like this: What information did Dr. Kenson give to you?”

Abell was silent. She looked around helplessly, but neither the judges nor the prosecutor raised concerns about Darrell’s question. She swallowed.

“She gave us information about an imminent Reaper attack in that system.”

“Aha.” Darrell leaned back satisfied. “So the Reapers were to come in through the Alpha Relay.”

“According to the information from Dr. Kenson.”

“Information that Commander Shepard confirmed when he got there.”

“Well, yes.”

“So we can assume that the information is correct. And you took the information quite seriously or you wouldn’t have gone to such lengths to try and save her.”

Abell nodded.

“Did you try to warn the people of Aratoth?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Did you try and warn them? We all saw what one Reaper could do. Did you ever contact the batarian officials?”

Abell didn’t reply. She looked around for help.

The prosecutor shook her head, but still didn’t raise concerns.

“I mean, this is really a curious thing.” Darrell was amused. “On the one hand, everyone was denying Reapers existed or were a threat to be taken seriously. On the other hand, the Alliance Navy takes the information from one scientist serious enough to risk a war with the batarians. Yet from my files you never went forward and tried to warn them?”

“The relationship with the batarians was difficult,” Abell said with a firm voice.

“So, you didn’t try and warn them?”

“No.”

Darrell seemed satisfied. “Thank you. Just one more question, if you please. Do you think the relationship with the batarians has improved since the end of the war?”

The prosecutor sat up straight in alarm.

“I believe that we all stood together during the war and that this indeed helped to overcome difficulties.” Abell nodded, convinced by her own words.

“I see. Except that there are now ongoing quarrels about the reestablishment of new colonies.”

“Dr. Darrell, I don’t think this has any meaning for the trial.” The prosecutor said with a sharp voice.

“Oh, I think it does. You see, there is a clear line. From the Alliance Navy sending in Commander Shepard to extract Dr. Kenson, conveniently denying any responsibility, to the political motivations of throwing my client in front of the batarians in hopes of securing new colonies, shifting the responsibility for the destruction of the Alpha Relay from the Alliance Navy to one single person.”

“Your client killed over…”

“Enough. Dr. Darrell, please focus your questions on this trial and don’t make assumptions,” the chief judge cut in.

Darrell nodded, still smiling. “No further questions.”

He had made his point. People in the room were muttering.

* * *

 

“So, Lt. Cortez, you’ve been called in as a witness by the defense to answer questions regarding the occurrences at Ferris Fields.” The main judge crossed out something on his datapad without looking at Steve.

Steve sat in his chair uncomfortably. He was nervous, but maintained a professional smile. He nodded and glanced at Shepard. His former commander was sitting there stone faced. If you didn’t know him, you’d think he was calm and unimpressed. But Steve had served with him. He saw the signs of stress, and even fear, clearly on Shepard’s pale face.

“Well then,” the chief judge said, drawing Steve’s attention back. “You were already enlisted with the Alliance back then?”

“Yes,” Steve replied. “We were assigned to oversee the colony. Help with the setup and organization. The basic procedures for colonies.”

“That ‘we’ includes your husband, I presume?”

“Yes, we were stationed together. Along with about 60 other marines.” Steve fought to maintain his smile. It was weird to talk about it like this.

“I see. Did the colony run into any trouble before the Collector attack?”

“It was pretty quiet. We had one encounter with a group of bandits. They claimed to be Eclipse. But they were too few to cause any real trouble. We handed them over a few days later to an Alliance patrol ship.”

“Were you aware of trouble with the other colonies?”

“More or less.” Steve hesitated. “I mean there were no official reports. Just some stuff we picked up and pieced together from the extranet. We knew, of course, that a colony so far out in the Terminus System was at risk, but we never thought anything like the Collectors was possible until it happened.”

“So you didn’t believe in a Reaper threat or the likes that Commander Shepard claimed?”

“We never heard anything about it through official channels. Since the authorities, be it the Alliance or the Council, never made a statement about the Collector attacks that happened even before Ferris Fields was hit, we had no reason to anticipate such an attack.”

“And what happened on the day of the attack?”

“I left in the early morning with a comrade, Chief Levin, for repairs on a remote station. The communication unit on that station was giving us trouble. We wanted to exchange it and reboot the systems. We arrived at the station at about 1100 hours, made a quick evaluation of the current state there and set to work.

“About two hours into our work… we thought we heard a ship approaching. You know, that dull roar when a big ship enters the atmosphere of a planet. But we were pretty far off from the colony itself. We went back to work. And eh… a few minutes later Robert, my husband, called me and… he told me to get out. That they were being attacked. I thought it was bandits at first and wanted to get back. But Robert said it was something different and huge. He implored me to get out, escape and not come back to the colony.” Steve stopped, not sure if he should continue. The ridiculousness of the whole trial helped to remove himself from his report. It was easy to just talk about it like this, matter of fact only. What did you do? And then? And then? There was hardly any room for emotion, and Steve appreciated it.

The judge asked him to continue. One breath to steady himself and he went on, noting that Shepard was no longer looking at him, but had his eyes trained on the ground.

“Well, it all gets a bit hazy then. I could hear screams behind Robert. I was set to go back and get him out. But Levin dragged me to the shuttle. By then we could see something like… how do you describe it… like a swarm? A black cloud moving at the edge of the horizon towards us. We made it to the mountains. There was a small mountain chain in the south. I remember sending out a second distress signal.”

 “And you stayed there?”

“Yeah. For a few hours. I tried to raise Robert, then anyone else from the Colony. There was no reply. Absolute radio silence. Levin brought us back to the colony. It was… empty. No one was left. We stumbled over a few corpses. People that had been shot. I… can hardly describe it. The silence and… I ran around, searching for Robert. I don’t remember much. We waited. I believe Levin send out distress signal after distress signal, but…”

“The Alliance didn’t come?”

“No, not at once.”

“How long did it take them?”

“We waited for two days.”

A gasp went through the auditorium. The judges looked surprised.

“And why did it take them so long to get to you?” the asari judge asked.

“I don’t know. I can only guess.” Steve hesitated, but a nod from the asari made him continue. “Normally there are enough patrol ships out there. If you send out a distress signal, it shouldn’t take the Alliance more than three hours to get to you. I believe they didn’t think there were any survivors.”

“But you send it out repeatedly.”

“Yes. Maybe they thought it was send out on a loop. I… I remember that Admiral Anderson apologized to me. He was a Councilor, when Levin and I were finally evacuated and brought to the Citadel. And he met us, when we arrived.”

“What did he say?” the turian judge pressed with a skeptical voice.

“Admiral Anderson expressed his frustration with the Council and the Alliance. He said that he failed to make them see the threat and was angry that they still wouldn’t acknowledge it.”

“He said that?”

“Yes, he did.” Steve nodded to enforce his argument. “He ensured that Levin and I were taken care of. Even helped me with the paperwork for Robert.”

“So, are you saying the Alliance did not take the Collector threat seriously enough?”

“There was certainly a lot of red tape everywhere when you tried to talk about Collectors. Or Reapers even. The report I made at Admiral Anderson’s request never made it to the committee, although the Admiral tried to push it through. So, yes, I think the Alliance failed in regards to the Collectors and almost failed in regards to the Reapers.”

A murmur rang through the room, but no further questions were asked.

Steve was dismissed. When he left, he made eye contact with Shepard, send a smile over to tell him to hold on. Shepard looked at him and for a second Steve saw the helplessness and despair in his eyes. But Shepard smiled back. A faint smile, almost invisible.

Steve left the court room. He walked unsteadily, his hands shaking slightly. He was glad to be greeted outside by James holding a cup of steaming coffee.

* * *

 

“Are you sure you can see it through?” Kaidan asked. He sat with Shepard in Darrell’s office again. Day Eight.

“Yeah. If Darrell says it’s important…” Shepard replied.

On the opposite side of the desk, Darrell raised an eyebrow but didn’t look up from his papers. He pretended not to listen, as he had done many times in the last few days, trying to maintain an illusion of privacy. But with two guards in the back of the room, there was no way they could pretend to be alone.

“I just hope there won’t be any surprises by the prosecutor.” Shepard smiled nervously.

“You’ll be fine. We talked this though several times. If she tries anything, I’ll stop her,” Darrell said, finalizing his notes. “Just avoid the word batarian at all costs. Talk of people, victims, or civilians. We want to ensure that no one calls you a xenophobe afterwards.” 

Shepard nodded. He had kept it together through the first seven days. Today would be more difficult. Shepard was afraid he would screw up his statement. Darrell wanted him to look serious and confident. He had made the right decision. He regretted the loss of lives, but there had been no alternative.

In truth, Shepard had spent every past night doubting himself, guilt eating away at him. He had held the ring in his hands, wondering if he deserved Kaidan’s trust. Each day, it was harder to come to court. He was close to breaking. And he was afraid they would notice.

“Anyway, it’s time.” Darrell put the papers in his bag.

“Good luck, John.” Kaidan said. Shepard wanted to kiss him, but didn’t dare to with the guards present. Instead they hugged awkwardly.

Shepard left with Darrell leading the way.

The hallway was long and they had to take several stairs to reach the courtroom. Stairs were hard. Shepard’s hip protested with each step. He clenched his teeth and walked on. Darrell gave Shepard enough time to catch up, despite the nervous guards nudging Shepard forward, whenever he stopped.

“Darrell, I’ve never thanked you,” Shepard said.

“For?”

“For letting me see Kaidan each morning. It really means a lot to me.”

They made it to the top floor. Darrell continued on.

“Just making sure my client has his wits together.”

“No, I mean it. I doubt anyone else would have done that.”  Shepard stopped. The guard behind him cleared his throat.

“Ah, I doubt anyone else would have been able to make the arrangements. I am pretty good.” Darrell winked. “Just make sure you keep your focus on what is happening now. You are not yet sentenced.”

* * *

 

The duration of the trial dragged Meb down. She had thought it would be easy. Just sit there, let them say what they want and in the end make the vote. She knew what she would vote.

But over the past seven days, Meb had listened to the procedures, despite her intent. She had claimed she wouldn’t be interested in the various statements and evidence. She tried not to look at the defendant. But she failed even that. And she didn’t like what she saw. He looked normal and small, frail even. Not like someone who had killed over 300,000 people, including little Galla.

Today he would make his statement. Meb watched as he entered the room with his attorney, two guards walking close behind. His attorney was smiling, like usual. Shepard looked wary, but otherwise his face was devoid of any emotion, as it had been for the whole trial so far.

Day eight of the trial started like all the other days. The judges came in, they all stood up. The court meeting was opened and Shepard was called forward to make his statement.

Meb shifted in her seat. She didn’t want to hear.

“Commander Shepard, you’ve heard all that has been brought forward so far. Please tell us what happened when you entered the Bahak system,” The main judge demanded.

Shepard nodded. He took a deep breath to steady himself and went on with his report. It sounded so obvious from his point of view. He had been knocked unconscious for a long time. Convenient, Meb thought. She wanted to hate him.

“So, the whole point of Dr. Kenson’s project was to destroy the Mass Relay?” the judge asked.

“Yes, they had planned to do just that,” Shepard replied.

“But they stopped the project in the end?”

“Yes. They were exposed to an artifact of the Reapers. The whole team was already indoctrinated when I arrived.”

“Indoctrinated, you say?”

“Yes,” Shepard reaffirmed.

“And what proof do you have for this assumption?” the prosecutor asked from the other side of the room.

“They were exposed to an unshielded Reaper artifact.”

“So were you, weren’t you?” The prosecutor smiled. “On Eden Prime? Right at the beginning of your mission. Isn’t it what gave you your _visions_?”

Shepard hesitated.

“If you are suggesting that my client has been indoctrinated, I would like to point out that he has been evaluated several times, before, during, and after the war,” Darrell said.

They discussed indoctrination. How long until a person became indoctrinated? How gravely was Dr. Kenson affected? Would she have been able to resist the process?

It was boring and did nothing for the case at hand. Meb tapped her feet, drawing an annoyed glance from the human female next to her.

“So basically they built this project to destroy the Alpha Relay. Was there ever any notion of evacuating the system?” The judge shifted the focus of the discussion.

“Not to my knowledge.”

“And did you consider evacuating the system, when you were made aware of that plan?” The question came from the prosecutor.

“I tried to contact the colony on Aratoth. But Dr. Kenson stopped me. She had become violent due to her indoctrination.”

“Well, you were able to contact your ship and secure an Evac for yourself. Couldn’t you have done the same for the colony?”

Here Shepard took another deep breath. His hands were trembling.

“No. When I awoke again on the asteroid there were roughly two hours left until the Reapers would have arrived. I needed to start the project. When I contacted the Normandy, there were only 30 minutes left. We barely made it out of the system and we were flying at top speed with a state of the art ship.”

“So, let me get this straight. You arrived in the system approximately two days before the arrival of the Reapers, if the information could even be trusted. The project to blow up the Alpha Relay was on hold, because the responsible scientists had been indoctrinated. You conveniently spent most of the time unconscious and had only two hours left to start the project.”

“You should have access to the medical file. In there you should find information about my injuries and the result of blood samples, taken directly after I returned to the Normandy. Traces of the drugs used on me were still in my blood.” Shepard spoke calmly. “And the information was correct. I was skeptical at first. But when I arrived at the station, I saw the evidence myself. Furthermore, the scientists were expecting the arrival, calling it their salvation. They wanted the Reapers to arrive. That is why they knocked me out. They needed time to ensure that the advance couldn’t be stopped.”

“Commander, if I look at the mission report and the report of the project, it seems the size of that project was enormous.” Darrell spoke for the first time. “It took a lot of preparation and work. Yet no one involved in the project ever tried to talk to the people in the system. I wonder why evacuation wasn’t started right away. As already discussed, Dr. Kenson did contact the Alliance through Admiral Hackett.”

“Well, the relationship the Alliance had with other parties at this point was… unofficial. Furthermore, no one believed the Reapers existed. Officially, that is. Of course, some people still took the threat and warnings seriously, despite the Council declaring the opposite. Admiral Hackett did. But there was no way he could have convinced the people of the Bahak system to evacuate, I believe.”

“Hm. But you don’t know for sure if they even tried?” Darrell asked.

“No, I don’t know.” Shepard’s reply was hesitant.

“And the first you heard of this project was from Admiral Hackett, when he gave you this assignment?”

“No, I heard of it when Dr. Kenson and I got out of the prison facility, on our way to the project base.”

“Ah, I see. So you literally only heard about their plan two days before the scheduled arrival?”

“Yes.”

Meb winced. She didn’t want it to make sense.

“Commander, I have another question.” The prosecutor again. “You told us at the beginning of the trial you were engaged. It makes me wonder. Would you have done the same thing if you fiancé had been on Aratoth?”

“Objection. That question is hypothetical and adds nothing to the evidence,” Darrell interjected immediately.

Meb leaned forward. She wanted to know. She looked at Shepard, trying to read his expression. The commander clenched his teeth. His hands were shaking. He gripped the table to steady them.

The prosecutor and the defense attorney argued, while the judges remained silent.

Meb searched the auditorium. She hadn’t figured out who his fiancé was. By now, most of the faces were familiar to her. She suspected it was the tall, dark haired man. He always arrived late and she had seen him and Shepard exchanging glances. But she wasn’t sure. Someone like Shepard should be in a relationship with a beautiful asari.

The dark haired man was sitting there, unmoving. His eyes were closed and he bit his lip. Could he really be the one? A turian next to him leaned close and spoke to him. The man shook his head.

The murmur in the audience and jury was rising. The chief judge finally stepped in and demanded quiet. 

“Commander Shepard, please answer the question.” The chief judge had denied the objection. Darrell threw his pencil over the table and shook his head.

Silence. Shepard opened his mouth, but no words came out. He held his hands in front of him, as if trying to grasp the words out of the air. Or as if trying to find support. For the first time, Meb became aware of the ring on his finger. She swallowed and knew the answer before Shepard said it.

“No. I wouldn’t have. I couldn’t.”

“So you would have taken the chance. Let the Reapers arrive. In hopes of what? Making it out? Fighting back? 300,000 lives, Commander, against that of your fiancé.”

Shepard remained silent.

“Thank you, Commander. No further questions.” The prosecutor leaned back with a smug smile.

* * *

 

“I’m sorry, Major. But they took him away right after today’s hearing was closed.” Darrell stuffed various papers from his office desk into his bag.

“I see.” Kaidan sighed.

“Don’t worry too much, Major. Yes, that was quite a score by the prosecutor. But don’t give it too much credit. This could backfire on her easily. If anything, it made Shepard look much more normal and human, less like a ruthless super-soldier. You’ll see him tomorrow morning. I’ll make sure of that.”

Kaidan nodded and left the court building with Garrus at his side.

Back home, he went straight for the bedroom and closed the door. He felt helpless. He should be at Shepard’s side, holding and comforting him. But he wasn’t. He never was, it seemed. If only he had believed Shepard back when they had met on Horizon. He could, no should, have gone with him. The Alliance wouldn’t be able to use only Shepard as a scapegoat then. If he had at least tried to press out more information from Anderson or Hackett...

He lay down, looking at the empty side of the bed. He wondered if they would ever lie here together again.

* * *

 

The hearing of the evidence ended surprisingly on the next day. There was nothing more to add. Both sides, prosecution and defense, agreed.

The last witness had been an asari. She claimed her mate and daughter had been killed in the blast. She had cried and sobbed. It was what Darrell later called a “very effective show”.

Shepard couldn’t shrug it off so easily. He hadn’t been able to look at her. He had fought back tears of shame and regret.

They sat in Darrell’s office again. The jury vote was under way.

Shepard leaned against Kaidan’s shoulder. Darrell stood in front of the window, sipping coffee, watching the snow.

Shepard wanted Kaidan to say that it would be alright. But it probably wouldn’t. He tried to focus on this moment, but his thoughts kept drifting.

“Hey,” Kaidan said and wiped a tear of Shepard’s cheek. Shepard hadn’t noticed it.

“Sorry,” Shepard said and took a deep breath.

“Don’t be.” Kaidan drew him closer and kissed him. It was their first kiss in weeks.

“No matter what, we will pull through, John.” Kaidan’s voice was hoarse. “We always have. And this here, this all, will be over.”

Shepard nodded, despite not quite believing it himself.

A knock on the door alerted them. An asari woman stuck her head in, nodded gravely and disappeared. Darrell sighed. “It’s time, come on.”

Shepard and Kaidan stood. The guards moved closer.

“See you on the other side, John.” Kaidan whispered.

Shepard set to go, but turned around again. One of the guards was already at his elbow. “Please, just one second,” Shepard begged.

The guard stepped back. Shepard leaped into Kaidan’s arms again, the pain in his chest unbearable.

This was all he wanted, all he would ever ask for. Silently he prayed that this wouldn’t be the last time.

With his last remaining willpower, he separated himself from Kaidan. The first steps were hard. He thought he’d fall over. But he steadied himself and walked after Darrell.

On the way to the courtroom he pushed his emotions aside, emptying himself of everything he felt until the pain stopped. He entered the room with a steady step, sat down, and stared ahead.

* * *

 

Meb hadn’t slept. She had spent the night circling her small hotel room or lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. She had cried, too.

The final speeches had been delivered a few hours earlier. The prosecutor had claimed that Shepard should be held responsible. He had maneuvered the asteroid into the relay without official order. Even if the Reapers had arrived, some people of the Bahak system could have made it out. After all, the Reapers had focused their attacks on tightly populated areas like Earth and Palaven. The Council laws were clear and the jury should find that Shepard was guilty in the sense of those laws.

Ironically the defense had used similar arguments, claiming that they were only sitting here now because Shepard had made that very call. They could only assume what would have happened otherwise. He had been thrown into a secret operation, used by the Alliance to avoid a diplomatic incident. He had acted with great integrity and done what was necessary. During the War, he had been the one to rally support and unite all species to fight together.

“The true responsibility doesn’t rest on the shoulders of my client. It was in the political tensions that made us all wary. Tension, distrust, and misunderstanding pushed humans and turians into the First Contact War and nearly made an open war with the batarians possible. And shouldn’t we be better by now?” Darrell had pleaded.

The words rang within Meb. She had bitten her lip until she tasted blood.

Shepard, when asked by the judge, had refused to add anything to the statement of his attorney.

Upon arrival at the hotel, Meb had slammed the door shut. It had all seemed to be so easy at first.

In the early morning hours, she sat up, walked to the window, and opened it. The cold winter air bit against her skin. The sky was clear. She looked up at the countless stars above.

She said goodbye to her sister, her brother-in-law, and little Galla. She had loved her family so much.

Later in the meeting room where the jury was supposed to make their vote, she listened to the others argue. There were no clear sides. One of the batarians approached her, but she shrugged him off, said she had already made her choice.

She watched the asari cramped in one corner of the room. They were talking quietly with somber expression. Meb had to admit that the asari witness had been a nice move from the prosecution. Even she had been moved by her statement. But it had also left a bitter taste in her mouth. Why ask an asari witness? Because the asari are a highly respected species with influence and power. The statement of one asari counted more than that of any batarian. During the trial, Meb had come to understand that most of all.

They were asked one final time to deliver their vote. Meb tapped the datapad in front of her. She put her mark on it and confirmed it several times. _Not guilty_.

* * *

 

The tension in the courtroom was heavy. People shuffled to their seats with dragging steps. No one was talking. Meb searched the auditorium for the black-haired man. He was sitting there, staring down at his hands. Meb couldn’t see what he was looking at. She looked over at Shepard. His face was unmoving, but pale, his lips a thin line.

Meb closed her eyes and waited. People went in and out. Meb tried to steady her breathing. She felt stressed out, just wanting the whole thing to be over.

She tapped her fingers against the chair. How was Shepard feeling? She wondered how he managed to sit so still.

The judges entered the room. People stood up and sat down with the judges again.

An asari stepped forward, delivering a datapad to the chief judge. He read it and nodded.

“If you would please stand up again,” he said and waited for everyone to do so. He cleared his throat. “The jury vote has been delivered and confirmed. The results are 103 votes guilty, 147 votes not guilty.”

A roar rose from the audience and jury. Meb looked at Shepard. He stood still and stared ahead.

“Quiet, please,” the judge demanded and the noise faded. “The High Court accepts the jury’s vote. Commander Shepard is found not guilty. Formal complaints have to be handed in within two days… but I see the prosecution already renounced.  The sentence is thereby legal and in effect. The trial is at an end. The jury stands relieved. Furthermore, Commander Shepard is to be discharged from prison immediately. Thank you. You may leave.”

People started to move, pushing themselves through the narrow seating lines and towards the exit. Some shook their heads, others threw hateful glances at Shepard.

But Shepard didn’t notice. Meb watched as he sat down slowly. He covered his face with his hands. Darrell talked to him avidly, but Shepard didn’t react. The black-haired man had somehow made it through the mass of people and past the guards. He knelt down and carefully peeled Shepard’s hands away. For a second, she could see the tear-smeared face before the man pressed Shepard against his chest. Other people were coming up as well, the turian among them. They gathered around Shepard, shielding him from the view of others.

She stood up and let herself be carried out of the courtroom by the mass of people. She had done the right thing.

* * *

 

Shepard remained pressed close to Kaidan until most of the room had cleared out. He tried to calm himself. He held on to Kaidan, afraid someone would come and take him away. Some mistake. Some misunderstanding.

Kaidan released his grip on Shepard gently, looking at him with a mixture of concern and relief. Shepard noticed the others. Garrus, Joker, James, Sam, and Steve. They smiled.

“It’s over, John.” Kaidan wiped Shepard’s face. Shepard nodded and took a ragged breath, leaning back in his chair. Darrell was still standing behind him.

“Can I… can I go home now?” Shepard asked with a shaking voice.

“Of course. You’d best wait a few more minutes for the chunk of press to clear out, though. I’ll settle the rest of the formalities,” Darrell replied.

“I can’t believe it,” Shepard said.

“Give it a few days. Settle back in your daily life. I’ll come around next week and we can discuss the final procedures together.”  Darrell winked. He patted Shepard’s shoulder. “And congratulations, Commander Shepard.” He closed his bag and moved away, waving to one of the guards to follow him.

* * *

 

They were home two hour later. Shepard moved around the house quietly, touching the walls and furniture, feeling the surfaces on his fingertips. Kaidan followed him, worried. But Shepard smiled and pulled him into his arms.

He continued into the bathroom, yearning for a long shower. He couldn’t help but feel dirty. He took off his uniform jacket.

Kaidan followed him and closed the door behind them. Their first moment of privacy. The voices of the others as they prepared dinner echoed dully through the house. They were laughing. Shepard couldn’t. He didn’t even manage a smile. He should be happy. But he felt empty and exhausted, like something inside him had snapped.

“Hey.” Kaidan came closer. He put his hand on Shepard’s cheek. It was hot against his skin. Why did he feel so cold? “What are you thinking?”

Shepard shrugged.

Kaidan pulled Shepard closer, kissing him. Shepard’s chest ached. He leaned into the kiss, pushing himself against Kaidan.

He didn’t want to break the moment, but the longer he stayed close to Kaidan, the filthier he felt. He let go slowly. Kaidan made a small noise of protest. It hurt Shepard.

“I’m not going away,” he whispered into Kaidan’s ear.

Kaidan nodded and took a step back, leaving Shepard enough room to take off his shirt.

Kaidan took a sharp breath. His fingers gently touched the bruises on his arms.

Shepard saw his figure in the mirror. He looked haggard, thin and small, almost like he had when he was first allowed to leave his bed at the hospital. When had his skin become so pale again?

Against the white, the dark purple and green bruises on his arms and wrists stood out clearly. Kaidan examined them with a frown.

“Don’t worry about those. They’ll fade soon.” Shepard said without much conviction. The bruises would fade. About the rest, he wasn’t so sure.

“How did…” Kaidan started.

“Ah, you know. They suddenly shuffle to the right or left. Or they stop or I don’t know what. I’m not really good at moving around, you know.” Shepard tried to make it sound light, but Kaidan’s frown deepened. He drew Kaidan’s attention back to his face with a slight nudge on the other man’s chin. “No one intentionally hurt me, Kaidan. It’s just what happens. They were all nervous. Not sure what to do with me. How to handle me. They had their orders.”

Kaidan nodded and looked away. Shepard was afraid he would cry. He didn’t know what to say. The only thing he could think of was to pull Kaidan into another embrace.

“We are so broken,” Kaidan whispered against Shepard’s chest.

“Yeah,” Shepard agreed. “But we’re not beyond repair. Yet.”

Loud laughter rang through the walls. Kaidan sighed, but didn’t let go of Shepard.

“We could send them away. Ask them to come back tomorrow,” Kaidan suggested.

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know. I worry about you.”

Shepard was silent.

“I mean we can always have dinner. You are so exhausted. We could go to bed straight away. They’ll understand,” Kaidan added.

“I just… what should I say to them?” Shepard asked hesitantly.

“You don’t need to say anything.” Kaidan separated himself from Shepard’s embrace and ducked his head to look him in the eyes. “You are not required to say anything at all. You just go in there and… be yourself. And if you are sad, you can be sad. They are our friends. They worry about you and they’ll try to cheer you up. I’ll tell you now what I told way back in the hospital. You are not their Commander anymore. You don’t need to hold up morale and appear strong and unfaltering. They are here of their own choosing. Because they care about you. So, if you are hurting or sad, it’s ok.”

Shepard swallowed. They had had this discussion before. In the hospital, Shepard had been in a bad mood constantly. Especially after a visit from James or anyone else. Kaidan had approached him about it and they had worked it out: Shepard was hugely frustrated with himself. It was hard to accept, that he was not physically fit anymore. But to be able to let go of all the standards he held himself to was even harder.

“It’s scary,” he said finally.

“Yeah.” Kaidan smiled. “That’s why it’s ok, if you’d rather be alone.”

Shepard shook his head. “No. I… was alone for too long.”

Kaidan’s eyes lit up with alarm.

“It’s ok.” Shepard tried to soothe him. “I mean, I went over the same thoughts too many times and I…”

 Kaidan nodded and returned the smile. He picked up Shepard’s uniform form the floor.

“What do you want to wear?” He asked.

“Something… something nice. I don’t know. A shirt. Jeans?” Shepard shrugged.

“I’ll get it for you.” Kaidan kissed Shepard quickly. Shepard’s hand twitched up, wanting to hold Kaidan and kiss him back. But he stopped himself.

“Love you, Kaidan,” he said instead.

* * *

 

They had dinner later with their friends. It was overwhelming. The noise and chatter. The taste of the food. Shepard was tired. Leaning against Kaidan’s shoulder, he fell asleep.

When he woke up, his head was resting on Kaidan’s lap. Only Joker and Garrus had remained. Shepard sat up and rubbed his temples. It was the middle of night. 2:00am, the clock on the  told him.

“Don’t you two have a home?” Shepard asked lightly, suppressing a yawn.

“Yeah, but mine is in another star cluster and I missed the last bus.” Garrus replied.

Joker shrugged.

Shepard leaned forward and patted Joker on the shoulder.

“It’s really over, isn’t it?” Shepard asked.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said behind him.

“Do you think we can live in peace now?” Shepard continued.

“With your service record?” Garrus replied. “I doubt it, but you can try. Put some effort into it this time.”

Shepard grimaced. Joker remained silent.

Shepard wished he could think of something to say that would make his former pilot feel better. It was obvious he felt guilty. Since they’d met, Joker had been Shepard’s closest friend. He had been with Shepard through all of it, never questioning his Commander, always trusting him. Yet he had lost everything during the War. His family was gone, as was EDI.

“What about you, Jeff?” Shepard nudged Joker’s shoulder carefully.

“I don’t know.” Joker sighed. “For the moment, I just want to be here, I guess.”

“Sure.” Shepard nodded.

“I’ll be able to go on. Don’t worry about me.” Joker smiled. “Just try to keep your head down, Shepard. I’m sick of worrying.”

Shepard smiled. “I’ll do my best.”

* * *

 

Two weeks later a young, batarian woman sat in Darrell’s office. She was nervous, but determined.

“So, tell me again why you are here?” Darrell inquired.

“To apply as your assistant. I think you could use some help. And as you can see from my records. I graduated with top marks. But due to the War, I wasn’t able to get any practical experience,” Meb replied and tried a smile.

Darrell was silent and scanned the information on the datapad she had handed him.

“You were part of the jury,” Darrell said.

“Yes, I was.” Meb held her head high.

“But I also know that you originate from Aratoth. Interesting, isn’t it? You still made it onto the jury, despite the Council’s best intention to keep the jury neutral.” Darrell smiled crookedly.

“Well, I also have some people I trust.” Meb swallowed. “When I started to study on the Citadel, my sister didn’t understand it. But I wanted to be able to better understand the lives of other species. I still believe that we should try our best to overcome our differences. Batarian culture and the culture of most other species differ greatly. But eventually we will come together. It’ll be a long way. But we have to start somewhere.”

“I see.” Darrell handed her the datapad. “And you think you can achieve that by working as a lawyer?”

Meb nodded.

“And why did you come to me? Why not try your luck with one of those big offices on the Citadel?”

Meb shrugged. “I was part of the jury.”

Darrell frowned.

“Alright,” he said. “I could use help. Especially now that my name is everywhere on the newsfeeds. And you need practical training. But I am planning to resettle to the Citadel soon.”

“That sounds good. I think Earth is a nice planet, but it would be hard for me to settle here.” Meb smiled.  

“Ok. Then let’s set up a contract and get you started.” Darrell extended his hand and Meb took it.

“Thank you!” She left Darrell’s office with a determined step.

Darrell chewed on his pen and started at the door. This was by far the strangest encounter he had had in his career. But he liked that woman. People like her could achieve much, given the chance.

A knock on the door startled him. A delivery man entered and handed him a small envelope.

Darrell took it with a frown. No one sent letters nowadays.

He opened it and leaned back in his chair, smiling. It was a wedding invitation, to be held on the 25th March. He filled out the attached reply sheet and handed it back to the delivery man.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading this stupid, little fic. 
> 
> I hope to see “Terror” again. Just to bring a little note that says “Ah. Yes. Reapers. We have dismissed that claim.” And I will stand under that “Not Guilty” post, holding it up!
> 
> Thanks again to [Ruby](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/), [Agrivex](http://archiveofourown.org/users/agrivex) and [Azzy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling)


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